This Week In Tabloids: Rihanna Says Leo Is 'The Best She's Ever Had'
CelebritiesWelcome to Midweek Madness, where we open our tiny beaks as one to accept a regurgitated gluten-free salad of Lisa Rinna’s discarded saline injections. This week: Amal and George are DUNZO YOU GUYS, Scott dumped Kourtney for booze & pills, K-Stew is settling into a “funky” lesbian lifestyle with her future wife, two interesting people got married, the Kardashian homestead is littered with false eyelashes, and reports vary on the Rihanna/Leo hookup sitch but if one thing’s for sure, it’s that he is up to her sexual standards.
Join me, won’t you?
inTouch
$200M DIVORCE
[Boys and girls, wanna hear a true story? Saturday night, was at this real wild party where] Amal Clooney chatted inappropriately with Bill Murray during George’s Lifetime Achievement Award and displayed “nonstop diva demands” just “118 days after their magical wedding.” This marriage? Is a fucking sham? Hissed Someone Who Knows, noting in vivid, ultra-specific detail that the duo is “beset with jealousy, arguments, and other relationship-wrecking behavior.” New York divorce attorney Raoul Felder, who may or may not have/definitely didn’t ever meet the couple, points out: “His wife is a lawyer. If there is a divorce, she will take him to the cleaners.” STRAIGHT TO THE CLEANAHS. YA WIFE IS A MENACE. Also important to note that the doomed couple CANNOT agree on a decorating scheme: “He wanted a more classic rustic style and she wanted modern French.” Ah, okay, it all makes sense now.
inTouch is trying to SILENCE Gwyneth Paltrow’s woman-voice, noting that the Goopmaster needs to “put a sock in it” after over-sharing about exes and her def real friendship with Bey and Jay. Please, Gwyneth, do not ever put a sock in it. She also mentioned that Chris Martin wrote “Fix You” about her; “Don’t blame Chris—he tried,” says inTouch, totally nailing that joke! Christina Schwarzenegger is being a real bitch of a daughter by dating Braison (????) Cyrus “just” as Maria Shriver was “getting over the shock of golden son Patrick dating troubled singer Miley Cyrus.” At this point I don’t know how much more Maria can take and am just waiting for her to straight up die.
Real-life Real Doll couple Sofia Vergara and Joe Mangianello‘s SHOCKING BABY NEWS is that they’re using a surrogate, and, wait for it, the child will be conceived “with Sofia’s egg and Joe’s sperm.” Unclear whether Whitney from The Bachelor will be on hand. TERESA PRISON UPDATE, Y’ALL: ironically, even though RHONJ star Teresa Giudice is literally behind bars, it’s her husband Joe who is making her life a living hell. He acts like he “doesn’t care at all” that she’s locked up, which is weird b/c Joe is normally a model of empathy and romance; also Teresa very wisely put 14-year-old daughter Gia in charge of the household, “entrusting her to cook and care for her sisters”…wtf, like Gia even has time to swiffer with the 3KT tour coming up??? Parents can be so unrealistic!
Elderly rivals Jen and Angie were in the SAME ROOM AT THE CRITIC’S CHOICE AWARDS, bringing the tabloid industry to one simultaneous gasping climax. The scene: “Jen and Justin politely clapped as Angelina’s name is called,” said a witness. “But when she didn’t win, Jen’s smile grew bigger and she clapped with more enthusiasm.” Now over to Angie: “Angelina escaped to the ladies’ room to touch up her makeup. ‘I thought I was doing better than this,’ she lamented to a friend as she began pulling and patting the skin around her eyes.” Lady Macbeth over here!
Kim Kardashian‘s plan to “turn everything around” before “suffering through the humiliating pain of a third divorce”: GET PREGNANT ASAP. Insider: “It hasn’t helped that Kanye isn’t around much for them to actually have sex.” Other terrible parent-to-be Adam Levine “wants to be a daddy right now,” a frantic Behati Prinsloo quickly shoots off a text to Jia re: IUDs. Elsewhere, on an island, Leonardo DiCaprio and Rihanna have been secretly hooking up for a WHILE (“weeks!”). “She loves his look, his sweet smile and his little nose“—actual quote from a source.
Grade: A (primo spot in the massage circle while your science class watches Bill Nye)