Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we open our tiny beaks as one to accept a regurgitated gluten-free salad of Lisa Rinna’s discarded saline injections. This week: Amal and George are DUNZO YOU GUYS, Scott dumped Kourtney for booze & pills, K-Stew is settling into a “funky” lesbian lifestyle with her future wife, two interesting people got married, the Kardashian homestead is littered with false eyelashes, and reports vary on the Rihanna/Leo hookup sitch but if one thing’s for sure, it’s that he is up to her sexual standards.
Join me, won’t you?
inTouch
$200M DIVORCE
[Boys and girls, wanna hear a true story? Saturday night, was at this real wild party where] Amal Clooney chatted inappropriately with Bill Murray during George’s Lifetime Achievement Award and displayed “nonstop diva demands” just “118 days after their magical wedding.” This marriage? Is a fucking sham? Hissed Someone Who Knows, noting in vivid, ultra-specific detail that the duo is “beset with jealousy, arguments, and other relationship-wrecking behavior.” New York divorce attorney Raoul Felder, who may or may not have/definitely didn’t ever meet the couple, points out: “His wife is a lawyer. If there is a divorce, she will take him to the cleaners.” STRAIGHT TO THE CLEANAHS. YA WIFE IS A MENACE. Also important to note that the doomed couple CANNOT agree on a decorating scheme: “He wanted a more classic rustic style and she wanted modern French.” Ah, okay, it all makes sense now.
inTouch is trying to SILENCE Gwyneth Paltrow’s woman-voice, noting that the Goopmaster needs to “put a sock in it” after over-sharing about exes and her def real friendship with Bey and Jay. Please, Gwyneth, do not ever put a sock in it. She also mentioned that Chris Martin wrote “Fix You” about her; “Don’t blame Chris—he tried,” says inTouch, totally nailing that joke! Christina Schwarzenegger is being a real bitch of a daughter by dating Braison (????) Cyrus “just” as Maria Shriver was “getting over the shock of golden son Patrick dating troubled singer Miley Cyrus.” At this point I don’t know how much more Maria can take and am just waiting for her to straight up die.
Real-life Real Doll couple Sofia Vergara and Joe Mangianello‘s SHOCKING BABY NEWS is that they’re using a surrogate, and, wait for it, the child will be conceived “with Sofia’s egg and Joe’s sperm.” Unclear whether Whitney from The Bachelor will be on hand. TERESA PRISON UPDATE, Y’ALL: ironically, even though RHONJ star Teresa Giudice is literally behind bars, it’s her husband Joe who is making her life a living hell. He acts like he “doesn’t care at all” that she’s locked up, which is weird b/c Joe is normally a model of empathy and romance; also Teresa very wisely put 14-year-old daughter Gia in charge of the household, “entrusting her to cook and care for her sisters”…wtf, like Gia even has time to swiffer with the 3KT tour coming up??? Parents can be so unrealistic!
Elderly rivals Jen and Angie were in the SAME ROOM AT THE CRITIC’S CHOICE AWARDS, bringing the tabloid industry to one simultaneous gasping climax. The scene: “Jen and Justin politely clapped as Angelina’s name is called,” said a witness. “But when she didn’t win, Jen’s smile grew bigger and she clapped with more enthusiasm.” Now over to Angie: “Angelina escaped to the ladies’ room to touch up her makeup. ‘I thought I was doing better than this,’ she lamented to a friend as she began pulling and patting the skin around her eyes.” Lady Macbeth over here!
Kim Kardashian‘s plan to “turn everything around” before “suffering through the humiliating pain of a third divorce”: GET PREGNANT ASAP. Insider: “It hasn’t helped that Kanye isn’t around much for them to actually have sex.” Other terrible parent-to-be Adam Levine “wants to be a daddy right now,” a frantic Behati Prinsloo quickly shoots off a text to Jia re: IUDs. Elsewhere, on an island, Leonardo DiCaprio and Rihanna have been secretly hooking up for a WHILE (“weeks!”). “She loves his look, his sweet smile and his little nose“—actual quote from a source.
Grade: A (primo spot in the massage circle while your science class watches Bill Nye)
Life & Style
DUMPED…20 DAYS AFTER GIVING BIRTH
This week’s cover story zeroes in on a relationship that hasn’t gotten a ton of play in the press, the v. fun, v. interesting breeding partnership between Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick. Kourtney gave Scott an ultimatum—“stop drinking and taking pills once and for all”—after giving birth to son Reign (R-E-I-G-N) in December and Scott was like, nah, I’ll go stay at Khloe’s. Yadda yadda yadda, Kourtney stands woodenly in a door frame for 3 hours. Elsewhere in Karmenia: Kris is paying Ray J to stay away from Kim, and Kylie has quit homeschooling to “focus her energies on building her personal brand.”
MULTIPLE pop stars penning revenge ballads: Miley Cyrus is writing some scandalous tell-all songs “to get back at Maria and the Kennedys” for trying to BRAINWASH P-Schwarz out of her arms; Maria and the Kennedys is an amazing name for a band, though. And this: everyone’s favorite mean girl Katy Perry is unveiling her new single “She’s So Creepy” at the Super Bowl halftime show; Taylor Swift “will no doubt counterattack with another song.” So many J.Lo digs in this J.LO: SEXY OR SCANDALOUS? item: “Jennifer Lopez turned 45 in July—but don’t tell her that,” chuckles Life & Style. Lopez is tired of Nicki Minaj and Kim K. getting so much attention for their bods, so she’s shifting focus from music altogether to “focus on her assets,” AKA her butt and boobs: “Music was never J.Lo’s real strength,” notes some patronizing troll who has clearly never heard “Waiting For Tonight.”
MISCELLENI: Most Verbose Bachelor In The History Of The Bachelor Chris Soules on decisions: “None of the decisions were easy. It was grueling trying to figure out what the decision was going to be.” AND, OH MY GOD: Life & Style compared a picture of Alec and Hilaria Baldwin’s 16-month old daughter, Carmen, to Vladimir Putin, calling her “Alec’s Tiny Despot.” Listen, who are we to judge Life & Style, who simply NOTICED that she “somehow ended up with [Putin’s] infamous pout!”?
Grade: C- (When you get pulled onto the dance floor by an unidentified person, and you’re like, “no,” and they’re like “camahhhn”)
OK!
SHAM MARRIAGE!
Skipping over the cover story, because life is an endless loop of drudgery and if I have to talk about Amal again I’m going to bean someone in the face with my earl gray. OK! claims that Bruce Jenner has “signed a top-secret deal to star in his own TV show” that will document his sex change operation. Please let this actually happen, prays OK!. We’re tired of speculating, weeps OK!.
Kristen Stewart has had a “transformative new year,” wink wink, and is taking things to the next level AKA MARRIAGE with 100% WOMAN Alicia Cargile. “They’re looking for an artsy loft, something funky and a little grungy,” says someone who is comfortable and familiar with lesbian lifestyles. Let’s hop over to TriBeCa, shall we? Beyonce spends $1 million per year “to keep herself looking Flawless,” no mention at all of the $2 million per year that Blue Ivy spends on CLUB DRUGS, SEE FOLLOWING BLIND ITEM: Which blonde actress enjoys cocaine—and other women’s husbands?
More Lady News: Camila Alves is pregnant with baby #4, It Is Known because she was “stuffing her face with food” at a Golden Globes afterparty; Kourtney Kardashian found Scott’s burner phone and boi’s got TINDERRRRRR; Melissa McCarthy is a pro, still shops at Big Lots so she can “stretch her massive paychecks on everything from guns to groceries.”
Grade: F (Eye contact forever with Joni Ernst)
Us Weekly
BACHELORETTE WEDDING!
Dreams Do Come True (for ABC): Former Bachelorette Desiree Hartsock married amazing poet Chris Siegfried this week, and there’s just so much here I can’t even decide where to start—first of all, “”Outdoor vows were vetoed because ‘January can be really cold!'” TRU!!!! Several members of BACHELOR NATION were present: Brooks “consistently wet-looking hair” Forester, Ali “Taxi TV” Fedotowsky, Jason and Molly “I didn’t watch that season” Mesnick, Two Other Men, and Tasos Hernandez, who has committed to being less creepy and therefore now goes by DJ Tasos Hernandez. Des and Chris wrote their own vows, which is amazing news because Chris has quite a way with words and Desiree is, like, brimming with creativity: “I said, ‘Life is sure to pitch us some curveballs, maybe even some knuckleballs, but together I know we’ll make it through and run the bases hand in hand.'”
Okay, turns out everyone is in love!!! Don’t worry about me, tho, I’m so fine you guys!!! EVIDENCE: Nikki Reed, never one to jump into matrimony, is reportedly engaged to Ian Somerhalder. “They believe in the same things—dedication in their work and helping others.” Um, they also both believe in a good hat moment, an astonishing omission by Us. EVIDENCE: Jen Aniston is a fucking nutbag loser with crazy outlandish desires, “wants to do things like couples massage” on her honeymoon with Justin Theroux. EVIDENCE: Cool normal man Leonardo DiCaprio stared at Rihanna “for an hour” at an L.A. club, at one point asked the DJ to move his equipment so he could have a better view. VACATION TIME IS OVER NOW LEO.
Grade: F (Being swallowed whole by a giant mofucking HARPY)
Star
KARDASHIAN HOUSEKEEPERS TELL ALL!
The Kardashian Kleaning Ladies Can’t Keep Their Dang Mouths Shut. Close your eyes and imagine a world of fake eyelashes “everywhere.” A world where Kim is “the nicest,” but also a monster who got makeup all over her white silk sheets (“her sheets would be brown. She never washed her face!”). Also, when Kris has too many drinks, she “bumps into walls”; Kourtney is a control freak while Khloe is “the most fun” (UH DOY); Kanye‘s armpit stains/general body odor made one particularly dramatic housekeeper “shiver.”
Also: ” Kris told the whole family that in 2015, her priority would no longer be Kim—it would be Kendall.” Kris, you treasure. Kim and Kylie, wide-eyed, open-mouthed, breathless, slowly turned towards one another and, mustering what strength they had left, uttered a single word in unison: “Feck.” In other news, there is a WAR OF THE ROSIES! going on, apparently: The View co-hosts Rosie O’Donnell and Rosie Perez had a falling out, prob b/c Rosie O’Donnell was like, I get to be Rosie and she can be Rosie P. Rosie P. was having a rough time in general, though; she “hated most of the Hot Topics and struggled tremendously with the teleprompter.” Struggled. Tremendously. With. The. Teleprompter. Bye.
Grade: F (Accidentally touching butts with Donald Trump)
Addendum
Fig. 1 [Us Weekly]
Fig. 2 [Us Weekly]
Fig. 3 [Star]
Fig. 4 [Life & Style]
Fig. 5 [Life & Style]
Fig .6 [Life & Style]
Fig. 7 [InTouch]
Fig. 8 [InTouch]
Fig. 9 [InTouch]
Fig. 10 [Life & Style]