This Week in Tabloids: The Queen to Kate: 'Bitch Y Aren't U Fat Yet'

By Jia Tolentino | January 7, 2015 | 9:20pm

Celebrities

Welcome to Midweek Madness, in which a monkey who lives behind a dive bar in a tourist town in Costa Rica makes a Zen garden out of cigarette ash in the parking lot and rakes it back and forth very slowly until he dies. This week, Pitbull tryna get it in with J.Lo, Scarlett Johansson likes to have sex in cars, Scott Disick once paid off a side girl with $200,000 and a Mercedes, and Mariah Carey’s sister is dead broke, hungry, and pleading for Mimi to emancipate their long-buried sororal love. You ready to do this? You’re not ready. Let’s go.

inTouch

EXPLOSIVE SHOWDOWN IN COURT

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The baby who played the Teletubbies sun was paid $388 for her troubles; she is 19 now; that is all. In old news, Christina Aguilera called Mickey Mouse an “asshole” for not taking a picture with her at Disney World, and “the rodent—Mickey, not Christina” (SALTY!) “had to be taken to a ‘safe zone.'” Adds the magazine: “Christina, a former Mouseketeer, tried to lure him up with a trail of cheese. (No, we made up that part.)” Do I see a little Madness creeping in?! The same tabloid writer who was very hungover (I “made up that part”) got salty again in a Gwyneth Paltrow item, discussing Our Princess of the Almond Milk Enema’s “it’s-your-fault defiance” in stating that, during her marriage, she felt that she wasn’t “allowed to have needs.” “She certainly has the need to yak about it!” says the magazine. LOL.

Khloe Knausgaardian’s Struggle: “I CAN’T STOP EATING.” Well, guys, that is just how bodies work, no one can stop eating or they’ll die. Kim is also calling Khloe’s butt “fat.” A source wisely adds “there’s really no difference between their two butts.” *retreats to the Cloisters to ponder eternal recurrence* Okay, you know Chris Rock’s marriage is over, it was always volatile, there were always cheating rumors (Kerry Washington in 2007, Rosario Dawson now) and paternity suits (1999, 2007) one of which was settled with a confidentiality agreement. Rock and his wife had a prenup, but it had a “sunset provision,” which means it’s expired and Malaak may get the monay. Rock alleges in the divorce papers that Malaak has kept him from his daughters since their separation.

Here’s the cover story: Katie Holmes wants the world to know the truth, a.k.a. that she was NOT with Tom Cruise on Christmas. Finally, the truth comes out. There is no actual court showdown, as advertised on the cover, just the fact that there COULD be a court showdown if Tom “resists her efforts to get more money.” (Katie only gets $400,000 a year—only—and Tom is worth $450 mil. Katie is having to resort to being candidly photographed at drugstores staring at Jergens lotion in order to get paid small sums by Jergens Lotion.) Brangelina are mad at Amber Rose for tweeting a picture of their daughter Shiloh, captioned “John Jolie Pitt,” referring to her as “him,” and with the hashtag #TransKids. LOL yeah that’s pretty rude. (Brad Pitt once told an interviewer Shiloh liked to go by “John” or “Peter,” but still that’s like tweeting a picture of your friend after a big meal and being like “So happy for this #BeautifulFutureMom.”) Pitbull thinks he and J.Lo could be the next Brangelina. I think Pitlo could be all that and more!! ASK HER OUT, PITBULL! Finally, Christina Cavanaugh, the woman who voiced Chuckie on Rugrats, is dead at age 51 🙁

Grade: D (eating a very flaky croissant while wearing a black cable-knit sweater)

Life & Style

HUMILIATED BY THE QUEEN

Here is a finely whipped souffle of imaginary bitchiness: Angelina Jolie supposedly offered to present the Golden Globe category that Jennifer Aniston was nominated in. Can you imagine the GIFs of the eye contact that would have arisen? To this rumor, the organizers said NO. Birdman spent $100k at a strip club in Atlanta. Avril Lavigne still loves Brody Jenner and she told Chad Kroeger that Brody is the man she should have married. Chad went “over the edge!” I hope it didn’t affect his music!

COVER STORY: KATE DEFIES THE QUEEN! The latest KERFUFFLE comes from the fact that the Queen wants Kate to gain more weight in her pregnancy but she CAIN’T! Queen’s like, “Bitch, you got a baby, get fat now!” Kate like “I’m super sick, QUEEN, leave me be!” (There is a person in here speculating that Kate weighs 120 pounds at her current 5-plus months pregnant; that seems speciously rude and incorrect.) And of course there was the whole thing about how the Middleton’s weren’t invited to Christmas. Despite this ROYAL SNUBBING, Kate put up her parents and siblings at her house (the 10-bedroom Ammer Hall), which is two miles away from the Sandringham country estate where Queen Elizabeth was doing her Christmas Thang. This was not chill with the Queen, who by the way doesn’t like Kate’s $2 million in property renovations and was like “Kate………………” And then Kate was like “Fuck you, Queen Dawg,” and on Christmas she skipped Post-Church Queen Feasting to go hang out with her family. Deprived of contact with King Baby George, THE QUEEN CAVED, inviting the Middletons to go shoot some pheasants the next day! Pheasants and Peasants. What a lovely, happy holiday.

Baby Doesn’t Solve Everything: Jessica & Justin Edition, Kourtney & Scott Edition, nothing new. Kylie Jenner is OBSESSED WITH LOOKING SEXY. Not like any other 17-year-olds you know, not like it’s paying off or anything! Look at the wording of the magazine: Kylie is trying to look like a “more mature sexpot” and “trying to make people forget that she’s still actually a kid.” The spread goes on to describe her “plumped lips, second-skin dress, mega-hot heels—her attitude screams sex appeal, too.” The soft hell of mixed messaging. Finally, the question you’ve all been waiting for: was a randomly polled group of men happier with Igloo Australia’s BEFORE IMPLANTS breasts or her AFTER IMPLANTS breasts? I bet you will never guess.

Grade: D+ (a nice lady pheasant who spends her life hoping to be shot by the Queen)

OK!

BLINDED BY LOVE!

This headline is about “CAM & SOFIA,” who are similar because “They’re Both 42!” Awesome. First up: Seth Meyers is tired of his late night gig because interviewing celebrities isn’t intellectually satisfying. You don’t say! Kim Kardashian “writes like a fourth-grader.” I write… like a sentient bee! George Clooney is worried that he looks old next to Amal so he wants to get Botox and fillers. He is soo right to be careful!!! Aging has never served that man well!!!

OK! Scott Disick was discovered in bed with some GURL by her ex-boyfriend—in December 2012, so—and then he paid her off with $200,000 and a new Mercedes. OK! talked to her and she was like “I deny the story……………… but I do have a Mercedes though ;)” OK! Here’s some stuff about celebrities who have a type: Zac Efron likes “Gym Dandies,” which sounds like code for something other than Vanessa Hudgens and Michelle Rodriguez’s “powerful glutes.” Kate Hudson likes musicians, Wilder Valderrama likes “jailbait,” Adam Levine likes models, Miley Cyrus likes clean-cut dudes. OK!

Selena Gomez gives an interview that could have been given by anyone about anything. “I’ve learned a lot about myself and how I want to move forward with my life.” “The hardest part is knowing what you want.” “I love acting.” “Whatever comes next, I can’t wait!”

……

OK!

Grade: F+ (a baby whose first words are “powerful glutes”)

Us Weekly

WEDDING & A BABY!

Maggie Grace writes short stories! And she’s got good taste in them: Munro, Gaitskill, Russell, Saunders. She used to study the dictionary as a little kid, she “can recite the entire screenplay from When Harry met Sally.” Maggie Grace: a genius! Some secret sex stuff: Ryan from the OC likes handcuffs, Scarlett Johansson “loves sex in a car,” Ricky Martin likes to “give the golden shower… in the shower,” and Nick Lachey used to walk around in Jessica Simpson’s shoes. WAT?

The cover story is so fucking boring: Sofia Vergara and Joe Mangianello are in love and engaged (an $800,000, 7-karat ring) and Vergara already froze her eggs (she started the surrogacy process during her engagement with ex Nick Loeb) and now she’s going to have a baby.

STEVIE NICKS SIREN: WHAT’S IN HER BAG? A Haim “CD, just in case.” A red Nokia flip phone. 10 packs of 5 gum, a Canon digital camera, and Poshe topcoat polish. Here’s a spread of celebrities and animals that exists just so somebody could write the caption “Raise the Woof.” Josh Groban and Kat Dennings are dating. A bunch of people just got engaged: Ludacris, Chris klein, Hayley Williams, Philip Philips (??), Alison Pill (???). Here is an account of Cameron Diaz’s wedding: she walked down the aisle to “Stardust” by Nat King Cole, the ceremony was Jewish though neither she or Benji Madden is Jewish, Benji dropped the ring before putting it on her, and “if she isn’t pregnant now, she will be very soon, like two minutes after the wedding is over!” Lionel Richie sang “Easy,” which is cool. “I don’t know if I’m a sex symbol or what,” said Justin Bieber, quoted over a giant spread of him posing in Calvin Klein underwear with a couple chicken cutlets padding his crotch.

Grade: F (the sense memory of whoever had to stuff Justin Bieber’s crotch)

Star

CHEF GIADA: DIVORCE EXPLODES!

I don’t know who Giada is so I looked at this cover photo and was like “Olivia Wilde looks funny.” In other looking-funny news, there is a still photo from a video of Nicki Minaj at a high school drama class and YOU’LL NEVER GUESS THE SHOCKER: she doesn’t have big buns for an anaconda to look at. Now Nicki looks the way she looks because “guys used to make fun of her slender frame” and she has been “chasing after approval from men ever since.” That seems sooooooooooOooOoO Nicki! Princess Beatrice says: “I’m cooler than Kate!” Her plan is to “turn herself into the palace’s Kim Kardashian” and in order to do that she’s got “a lot of sexy outfits lined up for the next two weeks.” Don’t we all? It’s early January!!

Paris Hilton left her food trash on a bench at the airport. Tori Spelling went to Redbox on NYE. Kim Kardashian went to Ralphs and bought Triscuits. MY GOD, IT’S SCINTILLATING STUFF. Here’s the cover story: Giada is splitting up with her husband, who she’s been married to for 11 years, and she has to do it FAST or all those random dudes will be like “WE BANGED” and the divorce will get harder. She also supposedly banged John Mayer and Bobby Flay and Matt Lauer. She has a net worth of $20 million and a six-year-old and blah blah blah it’s gonna suck for everyone and also she announced it on Facebook.

HERE’S AN INTERVIEW WITH MARIAH CAREY’S SISTER: the estranged Alison Carey, 53. Alison hasn’t talked to Mariah in four years, she and her kids don’t have enough food, and she can’t pay the rent. She cleans houses for a living and she recently spent four days in the hospital for pneumonia. She doesn’t want Mariah to think she “only wants her for her money, like everyone else does.” She has never met Mariah’s kids and she doesn’t get into why they are estranged—”I’ve done things that were wrong, she’s done things that were wrong”—but she writes a letter both pleading for help and also saying she would like, even more than lots of money, to “show you who I am today—who I can be for you, Mariah, as a sister.” She signs it Dandelion, Mariah’s old nickname for her. Dang, that is sad. Let’s end on a “happier note”: Summer Sanders is shilling for Jamba Juice.

Grade: F (a very sad dandelion sitting in a Jamba Juice cup atop a trash heap)

Addendum:

Fig. 1, InTouch

Fig. 2, Star

Fig. 3, Life & Style

Fig. 4, Life & Style

Fig. 5, InTouch