Tucker Carlson Asks Former Abercrombie Manager How to Up His Testosterone

These two noted non-scientists are now advising men across America to tan their balls.

Tucker Carlson Asks Former Abercrombie Manager How to Up His Testosterone
Screenshot:Fox News

We all have our kinks, and judging by the new trailer for an upcoming Tucker Carlson Original, it would appear Mr. Carlson and I share a few. Who knew?

Over the weekend, the preview for Carlson’s, “The End of Men,” left Twitter both tickled and titilated thanks to its gratuitous shots of brawny and bare-chested men, awash in soft-lighting, completing a series of manly (I guess?) tasks: grilling meat, chopping wood, flipping tires, beating the shit out of each other, chugging raw egg yolks and milking cows—notably, without a pail. But one scene shines a little brighter than the rest: In one of the trailer’s opening shots, a man stands buck-ass naked—limbs outstretched in a starfish position, face tipped skyward—and appears to be baking his balls in the LED light beams of what looks like a Tesla charging station.

“Well, hard iron sharpens iron as they say, and those hard times inevitably produce men who are tough, men who are resourceful, men who are strong enough to survive. They go on to reestablish order, and so the cycle begins again,” explains a British man via voiceover. But not even the most distinguished of accents could make that sentiment sound smart.

The episode, which premiered today, reportedly investigates a “total collapse” of testosterone levels amongst men in recent years and sees Carlson sitting down with a number of authorities on this life-and-death matter. One of them is Andrew McGovern, a fitness “expert” and personal trainer at Life Time Fitness in Columbus, Ohio.

In a heavily circulated clip of the episode, McGovern says men should consider “bromeopathic therapy”—in essence, the use of infrared light on the testicles—as a radical counter for decreasing levels of testosterone.

“Which is, testicle-tanning?” Carlson probes, practically licking his lips in anticipation of confirmation. McGovern concurs, suggesting there’s “so much data” on how this method is helpful, harkening back to the trailer’s shot of a man—who may or may not be McGovern?—balls out and basking in said bromeopathic therapy.

“Half the viewers right now are like,‘What?! Testicle tanning, that’s crazy!’” Carlson goes on to acknowledge, “but my view is: Okay, testosterone levels have crashed and nobody says anything about it, that’s crazy, so why is it crazy to seek solutions?”

“It’s not crazy,” McGovern soberly concludes.

Now, before anyone questions Carlson’s reporting, I can confirm that as someone who also hails from Ohio and, at one time in her life, worked out daily at a Life Time Fitness in the state’s capital, there is likely no greater person to interview about flagging testosterone than a personal trainer from middle America—even if he hasn’t exactly been a fitness expert for very long. A little over a decade ago, McGovern managed both an Abercrombie and Fitch store and an Aeropostale in Miami, and as of 2015 was the director of a pet store. But hey, he’s clearly hot a scientist enough for Carlson.

Naturally, Twitter has had quite the response to McGovern’s assertions, with some citing basic biology and aptly pointing out that for a man who’s staunchly opposed to saying “gay”, Carlson seems fairly comfortable embracing homoerotic imagery.

And because testicle tanning is Carlson’s new favorite hobby horse, he also discussed it with longtime friend Kid Rock, aka Robert James Richie, during a recent interview.

“Dude, stop! Testicle tanning? Come on. I haven’t heard anything like that in a long time,” cried the conservative country star and trusted aide to former president Donald Trump.

“Open your mind, Bobby!” Carlson, notoriously open-minded Fox News host, exclaimed. “Don’t you think at this point when so many of the therapies, the paths they’ve told us to take, have turned out to be dead ends that really hurt people, why wouldn’t open minded people seek new solutions?”

Rock remained unconvinced.“I don’t know what the hell is going on in this world,” he said. I’m not even sure if I understood that question. But some days you just want to stop this planet and let me off.”

And for the first time since Rock crooned, “Living my life in a slow hell,” I must say I agree with him.

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