Utah Republican To Eliminate Premarital Sex


There are some things wrong with America, my friends. Bad things. Sexy things. Sexy, but very very bad. In Utah, all of things emanate from the genitals of unmarried people, and if only unmarried people would stop having sex, all of the problems would get better.

But how to stop the infinite march of out of control un legally recognized hormones? Change the definition of sex so that it only applies to married folks, that’s how!

A Utah politician wants to formally redefine “sex” as something that occurs between a man and a woman who are married to each other in the Salt Lake County Republican Party platform. According to Examiner,

They also have a delegate who wants it made clear that sex is only acceptable when it takes place between a married man and woman. David Baxter wants the party platform to include that the “God-given sexual power is to be used only between a husband and wife.” He believes this will rule out any possibility of adultery, sodomy or fornication.

No adultery! No sodomy! No fornication?! But those are the funnest, David Baxter! Why do you hate fun?

Protest aside, history has shown us that simply redefining what words mean is a great tactic for solving all sorts of problems. You’re not “broke” if “broke” only applies to people who used to be millionaires. You’re not “boring” if the phrase “boring” only applies to people ten or more years older than you. You’re a “patriot” if you think war is awesome, always and 4 ever. And you’re not a “zealot” if you’re a Utah Republican attempting to inject some fact-free eyeroll fodder into your party platform.

I, for one, am glad they’re changing the definition of “sex” to exclude gay and unmarried couples, as “sex” is a terribly boring and clinical word. While they’re at it, I’d like to see them push to define “making love” as “sexual contact that occurs during the playing of Kenny G albums.”

Salt Lake County Republicans Hold Annual Meeting, May Define Sex
[The Examiner]

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