Want Bigger Breasts? Massage Them With Fresh Summer Vegetables


Breasts: Everyone wants them, but not everyone’s got them. Hi, I’m Billy Mays and I’m here to tell you about a revolutionary new way of increasing your bust size without having to chant some stupid rhymes about boys and sweaters. What if I told you that you could make your breasts bigger just by rubbing them with vegetables? But wait, there’s more!

Intrepid breast wanter Ryoko, a woman with an unfaltering ambition to become chesty and her own YouTube channel, has many videos dedicated to the best way to increase one’s cup size. She’s already tried 27 different methods (including vacuum cleaner) (that actually sounds pleasant), and method 28, according to Rocket News, includes rubbing the breast area with tomatoes and eggplants because “summer vegetables, which have grown under the influence of the summer sun, are thought to have very good properties for breast enhancement.” Okay! They are also delicious. Look if someone told me that I could enlarge my penis just by rubbing a lemon on it, I would probably try it. If I needed to enlarge my penis. Which I don’t. Because it’s huge, okay [NSFW]?

The best part of the video, as Rocket points out, is how seriously Ryoko seems to be taking the entire thing (although that’s probably just a put on). Her gentle rubbing to the sounds of Chopin in the background is more soothing than disturbing and she really makes you believe that this is a mission she’s on, not just a stupid joke.

Rubbing the bosom with vegetables doesn’t seem to work, but why not try it anyway? I mean it’s one eggplant, what could it cost? $10? That seems worth it for the story alone. In fact, I might just go out and buy a couple of tomatoes, rub them all over my chest and then make a delicious salad which I will serve to several of my closest friends. “The extra ingredient,” I will say as they remark on its deliciousness “is chest hair.”

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