While there’s no way to know if his personal assistant’s claims (which include stalking her, offering her $20,000 and a trip around the world in exchange for her eggs, and calling her a “bitch” and a “cunt” because she “would not tell him the ‘secret formula’ that he claims existed for her to like him in a romantic manner”) are factual, I’ve gathered some potential clues from this infomercial that may allow us to see past the veil and into the mind of the real Vince Shlomi, once and for all.
The first thing you may notice while watching the “long version”, is that Vince is sick and tired of the way infomercials are usually done. Vince doesn’t believe in creating a theatrical world for his products, so he cuts right to the chase.
“I’m Vince. This is SlapChop.” DONE. Let’s do this. We got 3 minutes. SlapChop: chopper, slicer, dicer, anti-depressant, excuse to make puns. Keep it moving.
“You’re gonna be in a great mood all day ‘cause you’ll be slapping your troubles away.”
And with that, we’ve been haphazardly strapped into a roller coaster of emotion we were barely prepared for.
“Now, you love salad, you hate making it. You know you hate making salad, that’s why you don’t have more salad in your diet.” Or as I like to call it, the scene when Vince goes from being the charming, lovable, fast-talking ad man to the aggressive, vaguely abusive lead in a Lifetime movie.
“Now, I love you Brenda, but you’ve got some chubby-ass arms. You know you have chubby arms. I’m not telling you nothin’ you don’t know, that’s why you’re always so moody.”
Apart from that, is the real reason people don’t eat a lot of salad because they don’t want to cut vegetables literally in half? Because apparently one radish and a small celery stalk, when halved, equals salad (but I’m sure any two vegetables cut into two equal parts will do).
“Once in a while, get the veggies in. At least throw it on top of the pizza.” Ey! I’m like Joey from Friends, America. I like veggies…ON MY PIZZA! Am I right?
“Soup, cole slaw, stuffing. What, 5 SECONDS?” Vince probably wanted to follow this up with, “You don’t have 5 seconds to stop being a lazy son of a bitch? How long are you gonna keep whining about your life before you nut up and chop these vegetables in half?” but again, he only had so much time.
“This tuna? Looks. BORING. Stop having a boring tuna. Stop having a boring life.”
You’re boring me, America, with your canned tuna from the can. Add some chopped radish to it (because that’s what’s lying around and remember, 3 MINUTES ONLY!) and “You’re gonna have an exciting life now.” ‘Cause you know what the difference is between an exciting life and a boooooring life? Radish.
Look at it. It’s red. It’s crunchy. Whaddya need an instruction manual? Gimme a break.
Then, Vince pops some ham, boiled egg, a pepper, and some green onion into the chopper and calls it breakfast “to go”. I’m not sure where anyone’s going with something that is neither egg salad nor the makings of an omelet, but just take it and don’t ask any questions because…
“You’re gonna love my nuts. You can do everything in the cover. Or on the board, whatever you’d like.”
Then he chops his nuts.
“If I can do it with one finger, you guys can do it with your whole hand”. Which, I’m sure to the casual viewer, might make Vince sound self-deprecating. Not so. What Vince is really trying to say is that if he can use his lightning fast finger-banging knuckles to chop his nuts, you guys can certainly use your weak, boring hands to do so.
“You know what they charge at the ice cream stores? A DOLLAR FOR TOPPINGS AT THE ICE CREAM STORE.” Chop your own toppings, bring ‘em in a sandwich bag. You save 20 cents (minus the cost of the sandwich bag and the dignity). Plus, you’ll finally “stop throwing your money away” on things like ice cream toppings for a dollar (which remains one of the most common causes of bankruptcy in the U.S. and no one but Vince has had the courage to talk about it until now).
“Ya know, not only nuts, what about fruit?” Uh, what else I got in this kitchen that could be cut in half? Uhhh, ehhh, fruit. Fuck it. Put it in there. Let’s cut it. I don’t give a shit.
“The reason you’re gonna slap away every day is ’cause it’s so easy to clean”. This is not the first, nor will it be the last opportunity to see this whole thing as three minutes of Vince yelling at you and making you feel like he managed to slip his hand inside your blouse when you weren’t paying attention.
At this point, Vince is getting pretty heated about the competitor’s or “imitator’s” chopper and says, “You can’t clean it. You can’t open this up. It’s worthless. Forget about it.” and then he throws it against the wall. This is very similar to the time he asked his hypothetical girlfriend Marjorie to pick up that dry cleaning and she didn’t and he threw the SlapChop against the wall —except by SlapChop, I mean Marjorie.
“Now, the onions with the skin. This is making you cry, you’re making ME cry.” What, you’re crying now? You’re making me cry. NOT. No, you’re fuckin’ not at all. Dry as a desert, these eyes.
“Life’s hard enough as it is, you don’t wanna cry anymore.” That default on your mortgage and the death of your mother? I know it’s awful and you’re probably avoiding onions all together, which is totally understandable. But I want you to pick up an onion again. You can’t avoid them forever ’cause of some stupid problems. Get back on the horse.
“Guys, we’re gonna make American skinny again, one slap at a time.” If you would listen when I told you the first time, I wouldn’t have to tell you again. If I have to tell you again, I’m cutting to the testimonials.
Ah, the Graty. Distantly related to the Blendy and the Chopy (working title of SlapChop before it grew a pair).
“White cheese. Yellow cheese. Watch this: Tacos. Fettucine. Linguini. Martini. Bikini. Comes with two blades.” A genie. Houdini. I could do this all day, folks. Just order it. You got 20 minutes.
With that, Vince gives the camera a look that should be accompanied by a faux gang sign and a sideways cap, and quickly disappears as mysteriously as he arrived. Then, in purple writing next to the price, it says “beware of imitators”. You know, like The Magic Bullet, a food processor, a blender, a knife.
And don’t forget to ask about their fold-able piece of foam that’s like a cutting board, if a board could be made out of a thick paper towel.
Vince is also the face of ShamWow, which I recommend taking a look at, as it will likely serve as either the prequel or sequel to the Moment of Truth movie you just watched, Knife To Meet You: The SlapChop Killer.