Hey, Esquire: Cool how you put Tom Hardy on the cover of your May issue. Real cool. Actually got me to go to a newsstand and buy Esquire, and who can remember the last time that happened.
Also really cool? How Tom Hardy — furrowed of brow and lush of lip — called your writer Tom Junod and went on an eight-minute rant about pants. Tom Hardy has a lot of feelings about pants, apparently. Tom Hardy has questions about pants.
For instance:
What happened to man’s pants—you know?
And:
Will my beard look cooler in these pants?
Also:
And can I make a clean run for the border in them?
Tom Hardy is not a fan of the current state of pants. He has issues with the pants available to him right now.
But the pants that I’m seeing look like they’re all sorts of metrosexual weird. The kind of thing that was coughed out of Minnesota and spat onto the streets of Brooklyn in the last ten years, for a secret reason that wasn’t fair to any of us.
Tom Hardy goes on and on about pants, and wants to get the authorities involved:
We must call the prime minister. Immediately.
I love this Tom Hardy rant about pants. Love. It.
But I have two problems with this Tom Hardy rant about pants:
1. It is not a video
2. It is not even audio
If the eight-minute rant is written out, then someone transcribed the eight-minute rant, and there MUST be audio of the eight-minute rant. Better than reading Tom Hardy miffed and rankled about trousers is hearing Tom Hardy very vexed and vociferous about pants.
Where is the audio? I DEMAND AUDIO.