Welp, Baseball’s Looking Anything But Boring This Season

Let's just say, everyone's watching baseball right now, and the season hasn't even begun yet.

Welp, Baseball’s Looking Anything But Boring This Season

It appears I’ve finally been gifted a reason to watch baseball, and it has very little to do with the actual sport, and everything to do with capitalist rot and an XXL scandal. The MLB struck a deal with Nike and Fanatics to design and create their jerseys this year, and among many reported problems with the cheapness and quality of players’ uniforms, the beginning of spring training is, ahem, revealing an even bigger issue: The ill-fitted, misshapen pants are very, very see-through. Where previous uniforms displayed the odd bulge here and there, not a single pitch has been thrown, and yet balls are already flying everywhere thanks to these new pants. I say “pants,” but, as Defector put it, “only in a technical sense are these really pants.” 

See below:

Further, believe it or not, this is probably only the beginning of what we’re going to see. As Defector’s Patrick Redford wrote, many of these photos are taken indoors and while the uniforms are dry—that means “sweat, direct sunlight, and rain haven’t even factored in here.” So, if you weren’t seated before, hold on; this sport is about to get even more interesting, or rather, even more graphic.

The unfolding situation seems to be a culmination of years of fan frustration with the quality of Fanatics merchandise, spawning the viral Twitter account @FanaticsSucks; their bio reads, “Holding Fanatics accountable since 2020.” Of course, as one MLB fan put it, many outraged and/or entertained social media users seem to be chalking the see-through pants up to cheapness on Fanatics’ end—but “no one is asking the real question of whether [Fanatics CEO and billionaire] michael rubin is a weird little pervert making the baseball outfits like that on purpose.” (My two cents: Maybe these things aren’t mutually exclusive!) The state of MLB uniforms has even prompted some to break out in poetry: “I see London, I see France… I can see right through your @MLB pants!” one very mature user tweeted on Wednesday, quote-tweeting an official photo of the Los Angeles Dodgers’ Shohei Ohtani in his new uniform.

While the internet is obviously thrilled and the jokes are already pouring in, players are—understandably—pretty peeved and making this known. “I know everyone hates them,” Philadelphia Phillies shortstop Trea Turner said, per the Associated Press. “We all liked what we had. We understand business, but I think everyone wanted to keep it the same way, for the most part, with some tweaks here or there.” St. Louis Cardinals pitcher Miles Mikolas said the jerseys “look cheap” and the pants don’t fit individual players anymore. Pants situation aside, even the jerseys are so fucked up that the Fanatics official support account encountered a tweet with a screenshot of a baseball player’s Instagram story showing the back of his jersey, and replied, “Hey there, it looks like we dropped the ball on this one. Send me a DM so I can learn more about this!—Kyle.”

And then, there’s also the matter of how the awkward size and fit of the overly long jerseys and see-through pants make the players appear as if they’re wearing adult diapers:

MLB Players Association executive director Tony Clark told reporters earlier this week that players are frustrated and want the uniforms fixed before the season starts. And I respect that and all, but, counterpoint: This is all very funny and I kind of want to see what happens??? Maybe have the league play like, one game in these bad boys, preferably either during a summer heat wave or in the torrential rain? I would certainly pay money to go and see that, and probably spend even more in dollar bills thrown onto the field.

Some parting questions: Is this all an elaborate-verging-on-pornographic marketing strategy? Is Michael Rubin indeed a “weird little pervert”? Or is this all an indictment of the greedy, cost-cutting capitalists who run baseball teams and their wholesale disregard for even their own players? In any case, if any of us thought baseball was a tad boring before, we’re all watching very—very—closely now.

1 Comment
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Share Tweet Submit Pin