When Men's Health And Cosmo Unite, A Dumb, Sexy Baby Is Born

Just when you thought the long weekend couldn’t get any better, the bros at Men’s Health have teamed up with the ladies of Cosmo to bring us the biggest turd of the holiday season. Dreamy!

Ladies, it’s important that we call bullshit on the nonsense that goes on in Men’s Health, as it is typically filled with cringe worthy nonsense that makes both men and women look like total idiots. Sadly, the female representatives chosen to assist Men’s Health crew on this particular article , titled “12 Ways to Have the Wild Sex She Craves,” came directly from the vortex of self-loathing and faux-empowerment known as Cosmopolitan magazine. What happens when these two beacons of shitty information and gender stereotypes get together? Let’s look at an example:

Take Her Home Tonight:

“She probably won’t be shocked if you suggest she come back to your place after a first date,” says Beland. But will she say yes? Make this your litmus test.
1. Graze her thigh. As you flirt, stand or sit within 6 inches of her. If she seems unruffled, move closer. Eventually you want your thigh to be pressed against hers, whether you’re standing or sitting. If she’s into it, move on to step two, says Beland. If she squirms, back off.
2. Plant one, already. A make-out session is a prerequisite to a sexual proposition, says Beland. Pay attention to how intensely she’s kissing back. You want the “I want to eat you alive, starting with your head” kind of kiss, not the sweet little “I’m not really a dirty girl” kind of kiss.
3. Pop the question. Your approach can be either funny (“So, what do you say we go back to my place for milkshakes and Jenga?”); hesitant and humble (“I don’t even know how to ask you this, but I would really love to be alone with you”); or straightforward and sweet (“Please, God, tell me that we can go home together”). Dial back the sleaze factor and, “chances are, if she’s been shoving her tongue down your throat, any one of them could probably end up working,” says Beland.

So there you have it, America. If you want a woman to come home with you, you should make out with her like a 7th grader, ask her if she wants to play Jenga, beg her pathetically, and remember that “if she’s been shoving her tongue down your throat” that’s an open invitation to have sex with her. Classy. I love the bit about “dialing back the sleaze factor.” Because there’s nothing sleazy about saying “Please, God, tell me that we can go home together.” Desperation…mmm, so hot. Let me get on my fun, fearless, female heels and plaster my not-good-enough face with 12 pounds of product so I can be the Cosmo Girl of your dreams, Top Gun!

If these magazines were real people, they would be Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag. May they live happily ever after, until the inevitable divorce and relocation to Cougar Town, where the winds blow stereotypes around like so many fallen leaves, and the air drips with the promises of bullshit, pathetic come-ons, and plenty of hot Jenga action.

12 Ways To Have The Wild Sex She Craves [Men’s Health]

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