Yes, Cable Companies Suck, But Don't Pull a Gun on Their Employees

It’s no secret that dealing with cable companies is only slightly less miserable than dragging yourself naked through the fires of Mordor. But there are ways of handling the irritating things big corporations do to you. Pulling a gun on a cable worker is not one of those ways.

One woman in New Mexico absolutely lost her fucking shit when she found out the service she requested from cable company Comcast would not be free. When she discovered she would have to pay to find out why her cable company was providing her with shitty service, she lost her goddamn mind. Via the Albuquerque Journal:

Police say a Comcast serviceman went to do work in [Gloria] Baca-Lucero’s house near San Pedro and San Antonio in the Northeast Heights on Monday, according to the complaint. Baca-Lucero said she thought the work would be free, but the worker told her there would be a fee. She called customer service, and someone on that line also told her she had to pay.

The worker then told her if she didn’t sign for the fee he would leave. She refused to pay, and the worker told police as he was loading tools into his vehicle, Baca-Lucero grabbed one of his tool bags and took it inside her house.

When the worker went to get it, he said she told him he couldn’t have his tools back and pulled out a black handgun from her pocket, pointing at his torso, the complaint states.

The worker later called 911 to report the woman who pulled a gun on him. (The saddest part of this story is that it’s probably easier to get a cable tech repairman to come to your house faster than a 911 responder in some American cities.)

Right now, I myself am dealing with a cable company nightmare. We have Time Warner as our cable and Internet service provider. Every night, our Internet along with most of our cable channels drop out. I have tried calling Time Warner support. MULTIPLE TIMES. Their response has been pretty much “LOL WE DGAF” disguised as”oh no that’s terrible; rest assured we are working on this issue with great urgency.”

No matter what our cable box does, I doubt they give less than half of a fuck about it. I have tried explaining to them just how bad the problem is.

Me: Hi, I think I am having an issue with my cable.

Time Warner: [a hundred million years after this complaint was lodged] Oh dear. What seems to be the problem?

Me: Well, my cable box just burst into flames.

Time Warner: Oh well, that’s not good. Let me take a look at that from my end.

Me: Can you please send someone out here? There’s these little men with pitchforks that just climbed out of it.

Time Warner: Hmm. I’m not seeing an outage in your area.

Me:One of the little men just stabbed me with a pitchfork and screamed “YOUR SOUL IS DAMNED! PREPARE TO BURN IN THE HELLFIRES BELOW FOR ALL ETERNITY!” Does that normally happen in an outage?

Time Warner: Hmmm. Have you tried turning your modem off and on? Sometimes that does the trick.

Me: [sound of screeching demons behind me] I’m not really sure I should go near it. It looks like blood is oozing out of it now.

Time Warner: Oh wait. I have an idea. Sometimes this helps. Have you tried summoning the dark demon god Ba’al?

Me: Excuse me?

Time Warner: : You know. Ba’al. The Eater of Children? The Bringer of Sorrow? The Stealer of Souls?

Me: Uh. I don’t know.

Time Warner: Look, it’s simple. All you have to do is get a blade forged in the darkest cave of Mount Sinai and take it to the Temple of the Undying.

Me: I don’t think I have anything like that. I have Ginsu knife I got on sale at Bed Bath and Beyond.

Time Warner: Well, that’s too bad. We can send someone out there to take a look. How’s three weeks from next Tuesday sound?

Me: I don’t know if I’ll still technically be a part of this mortal realm when that happens.

Time Warner: Oh. Well, we may have to charge you a fee for that.

Me: A fee?

Time Warner: Yes. A non-human post-demonic ascension fee. If you’ll look on page 8,221 of your latest bill, we included a clause for that.

Me. Oh. How much will that cost.

Time Warner: That depends. How soon do you think you will spawn the offspring of our Dark Lord and Master?

Me: [long silence] Maybe I should just think about getting an antenna or something.

Time Warner: Excellent decision! Let me transfer you over to our Last Will and Testament Department!