If you were to believe everything you read on the Internet, you’d think that every celebrity is an ambulatory heap of fake body parts mind-controlled by President Obama, who is a shapeshifting reptoid from a faraway star system (plus, having an affair with Beyoncé).
It is a lot to sort through. But, you know, it’s important to have an active imaginary life and/or a game plan if the reptilian overlords do decide to stop hiding cryptic symbols in Willow Smith videos and get to openly subduing the world population in the name of Satan.
So here, for your reading ease and pleasure, is a list of Notable Celebrity Conspiracy Theories, Ranked From Worst to Best. (My criterion for knowing which theory is the best is reflecting upon the amount of pleasure I would glean from drunkenly and emphatically explaining it to a stranger.)
31. Marisa Tomei’s Oscar was a mistake.
According to this theory, Marisa Tomei did not actually win an Oscar for her performance in My Cousin Vinny. The person presenting the award just read the envelope wrong, and everyone was too embarrassed to do anything about it so we all had to pretend like what’s what happened. Marisa Tomei does not like this rumor.
30. Khloe Kardashian’s dad is [insert human tangentially related to her family].
Khloe doesn’t look like her sisters, thus her dad is either O.J. Simpson or some haircutter guy. This theory is unexciting because I care little about who begot which Kardashian; plus, it was a plot line on Keeping Up With the Kardashians already, which means all the fun has been sucked out of it by the gluttonous vampire jaws of Kris Jenner.
29. Tom Cruise’s love interests are under contract.
Everyone knows about this. Tom Cruise is rumored to audition his potential girlfriends in a weird Scientology wife-quest.
28. Pippa Middleton wore a fake butt to her sister’s wedding.
After three years of devoted study, some Royal Expert alleges that Pippa Middleton’s butt was “false” and “an optical illusion” at the Royal Wedding. K.
27. Taylor Swift goes on 4chan.
Someone was posting on 4chan saying that they’re Taylor Swift. There is a lot of evidence for this, some of it to do with her cat, which is nice. My evidence for is that Taylor Swift has participated a lot of seemingly unenjoyable hobbies, like listening to John Mayer say sentences and eroding the Rhode Island coast, so maybe this is just another one of them.
26. Ronan Farrow’s alluring blue eyes are fake.
RONAN IS LYING TO US ALL ABOUT HIS EYES ALL THE TIME BECAUSE HE WANTS US TO THINK HE LOOKS LIKE FRANK SINATRA.
25. Lorde is secretly 45, or an ageless and wise elf, or something.
This rumor was started by someone who was not capable of understanding how a Cool Teen could come to be so cool, having only existed for a teen-amount of years. Her birth certificate says she’s 17 (but maybe she used all of her years of wisdom to forge it??? Idk).
24. Jennifer Lawrence faked her Oscars fall to stay on “adorably clumsy” brand.
Some people on the Internet think that Jennifer Lawrence fell over on purpose at the Oscars this year because falling at the Oscars is her “thing” now. I like this rumor because it shows that we, as a civilization, are skeptical about literally everything and we like to make elaborate posts about our skepticism.
23. Kanye and Taylor Swift was an inside job.
Everyone’s Favorite Meme of VMAs Past was FAKED FOR ATTENTION, think some. Evidence for: the VMAs suck and MTV needed to get people talking about something; T-Swift and Kanye share an agent; Taylor Swift is very good at making a fake surprised face. Evidence against: Taylor Swift still sheds teardrops on her guitar about it.
22. Michael Jackson was chemically castrated by acne medication.
This theory is extremely crazy and people go fucking nuts trying to defend it, which are two hallmarks of a Good Conspiracy, but it also just makes me feel sad. I would not like to tell a stranger about it while pouring wine down my quivering chin like the Steward of Gondor. Anyway, this is how it goes: some French doctor wrote a book arguing that the acne medication Michael Jackson took when he was 12 had the side effect of preventing puberty, which is why Jackson’s voice never changed and why he had a slight build for his entire life.
21. Paul McCartney died in a car crash and was replaced by a lookalike.
This theory is really well-known, too. I like it because people claim that Paul 2.0 was an orphan who won a Paul McCartney lookalike contest, which is a very pragmatic solution on the Beatles’ part.
20. James Hewitt is Prince Harry’s dad.
James Hewitt is some cavalry guy who said that he had an affair with Princess Diana from 1986-1991. A lot of people think that he is maybe Prince Harry’s real dad because they look SO MUCH ALIKE.
19. Beyoncé was never pregnant.
This conspiracy isn’t higher on the list because it’s, like, kinda a trite one (no offense, Bey-womb-truthers). Anyway, there was that whole floppy stomach thing and a lot of security in the maternity ward. I think the nation is going to be divided on this issue until we’re all engulfed in a fiery apocalypse.
18. Marilyn Manson was on The Wonder Years.
WHATEVER, I THINK IT’S TRUE.
17. There is a ghost in Three Men and a Baby.
It’s a literal fact that there is a ghost-boy in the curtains in this cinematic treasure.
16. Megan Fox has been replaced by a clone, twice.
That seems like a way more reasonable explanation than plastic surgery.
15. Tupac and Jim Morrison and Elvis are alive.
All of these theories are too widely–known to be exciting to me. I would like this conspiracy a lot better if the rumor was they were all living somewhere together. I would like it the best of all if they’d secretly raised Kate Middleton to become a beloved princess, in a Three Men and a Baby-type situation. (And the on-set ghost in this scenario would be the ghost of the original Megan Fox).
14. Beyonce is Solange’s mom.
This one is good because believing it means you have to be really bad at math.
13. Baby Suri is an alien, or Ethan from Lost is her dad.
We live in a world of chaos and confusion, and there is absolutely no rational reason for why Baby Suri was born with a full, lustrous head of hair. Either that baby-stealer from Lost fathered her and then there was an elaborate cover-up scheme that involved a baby wig, or it was Scientology aliens.
12. The CIA murdered Marilyn Monroe.
Some theorize that the CIA and FBI murdered Marilyn Monroe because she knew too much and drank a lot, i.e., they feared that she’d drunkenly tell people about top secret government secrets. Also, she apparently hung out with a lot of Communists, which was something that the shadowy people lurking behind our government were decidedly not into. Others say that the mob did it. Whatever, THE CIA IS TERRIFYING.
11. The CIA poisoned Bob Marley.
THE CIA IS EVEN MORE TERRIFYING IN THIS ONE: they murdered Bob Marley via cancerous boots, or so the conspiracy goes. CANCEROUS BOOTS. You can’t trust anyone, not even the sturdiest and most reliable of footwear (but especially not the government).
10. Nicholas Cage is a vampire.
There is a photo of Nicholas Cage just hanging out during the Civil War, which obviously means that he is a vampire who reinvents himself every 75 years or so. He has seen all the artifacts from National Treasure in real life, which is why his performance in that film was so believable.
9. Keanu Reeves is immortal.
This conspiracy theory is so good that it has its own website. Keanu Reeves is the same person as Charlemagne. This explains why he is so kind and generous (he has the wisdom and generosity of spirit of centuries), and also why he sometimes gets so sad. It must be hard watching all of your companions shuffle off the mortal coil.
8. Baby North West is the Antichrist.
If you add up all the numbers in this baby’s birth date, you get 666!!!!!!! THE ANTICHRIST IS RISEN.
7. The Royal Baby is also the Antichrist.
Maybe that’s why he took that other baby’s toy that one time?
6. Britney Spears’ meltdown was the Bush administration’s doing.
According to this one theory, Britney Spears’ public meltdown was orchestrated by the Bush administration in order to distract from its myriad problems overseas (now, instead of Brit, W. can use his painting career to distract us from his humans rights abuses!). This is an A+ concept because it is batshit but also a sharp criticism of our obsession with celebrity culture, maybe.
5. Miley Cyrus is a puppet of the Obama administration.
This is like the previous theory, but contemporary and extra-believable because it comes from the lead singer of Korn. As the Hot Topic-core musician points out, Obama signed a law allowing the government to hold prisoners indefinitely without trial around the same time as the VMAs. WAKE UP, AMERICA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
4. Miley Cyrus died in 2010 and now there is a replacement Miley.
According to this one little forum, Miley Cyrus’ body was found in the desert in 2010; the story was on one news website briefly (although no one else picked it up?) and was then retracted. She was then replaced by another unknown Disney star who got plastic surgery to look like her. Evidence for: circles drawn on Miley Cyrus’ face pre-2010 point to features that look exactly like her features now. SPOOKY! Evidence against: there is absolutely no way this happened. But I would definitely spend ~2 hrs researching this and ~3 hours sloppily repeating it to people.
3. JUSTIN BIEBER IS A REPTOID.
Look at that thing his eyes did that one time!!!! Also, having weird lizard hands would explain why he is so bad at graffiti.
Fig. 1., WAKE UP, AMERICA!!!!
2. Beyonce is possessed.
This theory is supremely excellent because believing it means you have to have a fundamental misunderstanding about how metaphor functions.
1. All celebrities are puppets controlled by a collective of shapeshifting reptoids from space called the Illuminati, and every time you see a triangle it is their doing.
Obviously.
Fig. 2, hidden Illuminati symbolism in Beyonce’s outfit.
All images via Getty.