When my editors tasked me with naming the 50 most important men of the 21st century, I got right down to work making a list of all the men I’ve ever heard of. Unfortunately, the majority of men I’m aware of are either writers who died in the 19th century or they are men who used to be or are currently married to people I know and aren’t really any good. But some of the men I could think of I am fairly certain are not only living men but also not that bad. Here are 50 of them.
50. The Davinky Twins
49. One half of Jedward
48. The other half of Jedward
47-40 (I think). Precious members of boy band BTS, which is not called BTK, that is something else.
39, 38. Jonathan Chabon/Michael Cheban who I recently learned are separate names for two different men, one of whom wrote Wonder Boys, an absolutely true-to-life book about how little divorcing a third wife matters to a famous writer man. The other eats. Probably they both do, but one of them eats famously.
37. My downstairs neighbor who once invited me over for carne asada and gave me a spare street parking tag when I couldn’t get one. He’s a nice man.
36. Do you have an uncle who voted for Bushes Jr. and Sr. but reluctantly voted for Hillary over Trump and will vote for Biden despite constantly grumbling about them being “not much better”? Put that hero on this list.
35-27. Are your dads any good? If so, tell them they also made the list.
26. The famous Chris who wears caftans but no other famous Chrises.
25. Actually, that Chris who accidentally showed his dong but wasn’t weird about it is fine too.
24. Whiskey
23. Cigarettes
22. Beak, man cat of Jezebel. (Though all cats are girls, really)
21. Fitz, man cat of Jezebel.
20. Crusty, man cat of Jezebel.
19. Tristam, man dog of Jezbel.
18. Teddy, man dog of Jezebel.
17. Bukka, frequently misgendered but also a man dog of Jezebel.
16. Chico, man dog of Jezebel.
15. Mr. Cat, man cat of Jezebel who goes by a gender-appropriate honorific and is, therefore, one of the few cats who is only a man cat and not also a girl cat.
14. Louie, girl dog of Jezebel with a man’s name.
13. Frankie, Jezebel dog whose gender I can’t remember, rumored to be dating Bukka.
12. My dog, Dr. Truvy Bouvier Kennedy-Onasis, who is a girl cocker spaniel in the sense that she is a girl but also a man dog in the sense that all dogs are masculine but especially any spaniel that isn’t a toy breed or a King Charles Cavalier. Also, I’ve given her an honorary doctorate, and doctors are men.
11. Rich Juzwiak, Jezebel staff man who is also a very nice man.
10. Cocaine
9. That man writer who writes about families and the domestic but not in a boring ladyish way, in a way that everyone, including men, can understand. Not Henry James. The other one who is alive.
8. That other man writer who writes long sentences about cowboys, dust, and fighting. Not the one your dad stopped liking when he wrote the gay cowboy movie, the other one that men enjoy.
7. That man who made the movie about Italian gangsters that everyone liked so he just kept making it again every few years to see if people still liked it. And they do!
6. That actor man everyone likes who doesn’t seem to have sexually harassed anyone, not even in the ’70s, ’80s, ’90s, or 2000-16, back before anyone had heard about sexual harassment being wrong.
5. The other one who also probably hasn’t ever groped a co-star that we’ve heard about.
5. No, not that man you thought of, I’ve definitely heard some shit about him. That other man.
4. That hero dog everyone thought was a man hero dog but was actually a girl hero dog.
3. Jezebel’s dead boyfriend Mr. Peanut, who definitely could fuck while alive but is now dead. RIP to that man peanut.
2. Jezebel’s living boyfriend, that TikTok firefighter man.
1. Mr. Coffee, a very useful man.