A Few ‘Official’ Acts Biden Could Hypothetically Take Now That Presidents Have Criminal Immunity

Biden could maybe drone strike student loan offices to destroy records of all current debts. Because the Supreme Court ruling applies to all presidents, not just Donald Trump, right? Right??

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A Few ‘Official’ Acts Biden Could Hypothetically Take Now That Presidents Have Criminal Immunity

On Monday, the Supreme Court closed out its absolutely terrible term by declaring that former presidents are presumptively immune from criminal prosecution for “official acts” taken as president; presidents have no immunity for “unofficial” acts. The 6-3 ruling was in a case about whether former President Donald Trump can be criminally charged for his efforts to overturn the results of the 2020 election, including inciting the January 6 insurrection. (Neither Justices Clarence Thomas nor Samuel Alito recused from the case despite their wives engaging in various levels of insurrection-friendly activity.)

The justices narrowed the case against Trump and kicked it back to U.S. District Judge Tanya Chutkan to determine which parts of special counsel Jack Smith’s indictment can move forward. Trump could still face trial, but definitely not before the November election—and if he wins, he could direct the Department of Justice to drop the case altogether. Chutkan wrote in a different January 6 Trump case that “Presidents are not kings,” but, today, the Supreme Court effectively made them monarchs.

Justice Sonia Sotomayor wrote in a blistering dissent, joined by Justices Elena Kagan and Ketanji Brown Jackson, that, “in every use of official power, the President is now a king above the law.” She went on to outline the consequences and list a bunch of crimes for which presidents cannot be prosecuted, they could technically be charged but the case would get thrown out under this standard, so “prosecuted” emphasis added:

Looking beyond the fate of this particular prosecution, the long-term consequences of today’s decision are stark. The Court effectively creates a law-free zone around the President, upsetting the status quo that has existed since the Founding. This new official-acts immunity now “lies about like a loaded weapon” for any President that wishes to place his own interests, his own political survival, or his own financial gain, above the interests of the Nation. Korematsu v. United States, 323 U. S. 214, 246 (1944) (Jackson, J., dissenting). The President of the United States is the most powerful person in the country, and possibly the world. When he uses his official powers in any way, under the majority’s reasoning, he now will be insulated from criminal prosecution. Orders the Navy’s Seal Team 6 to assassinate a political rival? Immune. Organizes a military coup to hold onto power? Immune. Takes a bribe in exchange for a pardon? Immune. Immune, immune, immune.

Let the President violate the law, let him exploit the trappings of his office for personal gain, let him use his official power for evil ends. Because if he knew that he may one day face liability for breaking the law, he might not be as bold and fearless as we would like him to be. That is the majority’s message today.

And no, political assassinations by Seal Team 6 is not an exaggeration. Trump’s lawyer said during arguments at both the appeals court and Supreme Court that he could order them to do it and not face a trial.

This is all incredibly bleak, especially given Joe Biden’s disastrous debate performance on Thursday night. But it also presents an opportunity for the Biden administration to really embrace the Dark Brandon persona—yes, the one that it decimated with a dumb Super Bowl post as Israeli forces attacked an evacuation zone in southern Gaza.

If the Supreme Court says it’s legal for presidents to commit crimes without consequences, here are some things that a vigilante Dark Brandon (Dark Knight Brandon?) might consider doing:

  • Arrest the six conservative Supreme Court justices, send them to Guantanamo, and appoint six new ones
  • Abolish the Senate and level the building, and unilaterally add 20 seats to the court
  • Steal all of Elon Musk‘s money sitting in U.S. banks and donate it to Trans Lifeline
  • Order drone strikes on student loan offices to destroy records of all current debts
  • Pledge to give anyone who votes for Biden $1 million since the court also said bribes are fine
  • Declare the Heritage Foundation, the Federalist Society, and Alliance Defending Freedom to be terrorist organizations and use their money to make every ATM dispense abortion pills
  • Seize all of Leonard Leo‘s assets to build abortion spas where patients get a free full-body massage, a mani-pedi, and an all-day breakfast buffet
  • Convert all crisis pregnancy centers into free daycares with unionized staff
  • Nationalize U.S. car companies and use the profits to give us the beautiful Amtrak expansion map even sooner
  • Force New York Gov. Kathy Hochul (D) to enact congestion pricing under threat of imprisonment
  • Commandeer all of Trump and Jared Kushner’s properties and turn them into free housing
  • Make NASA launch Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) directly into the sun
  • And, finally: steal the Declaration of Independence and go on a treasure hunt

Team Biden is likely far too cautious and rule-abiding to do any of these, but maybe they’ll run with one or two suggestions and just tone them down by 50 percent. People would love it and you might even win. Some food for thought!

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