Dear Mariah: Some Dating Options for the Woman Who Has Everything

By Kara Brown  |  August 22, 2014 | 9:00pm
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With the news that Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon are probably definitely getting a divorce, there was much talk here at Jezebel HQ about who the Elusive Chanteuse will end up with next. (We move on from disappointment quickly.)

This got us to thinking about where the woman who has everything can find love. Imagine this: You’re a rich, famous lady mogul. You’re likely 40+ (damn you, patriarchy) and you’ve already had children with the DNA of your choice. You gave the whole dating another famous person business a whirl and you’re not sure you want to repeat that circus. You’ve gone through a divorce and now it’s time to pick yourself up and find the man you’re going to spend the rest of your life next 9-14 months with.

He can’t be just anyone. You have needs and red carpet events to attend. There are a number of routes you can take — but a few non-negotiables. Of course he has to be sexy, because you too are sexy, and you deserve it. Ideally, he has his own money. And most importantly: He doesn’t mind playing second fiddle. The Mariah Careys and the Madonnas of the world are used to being the center of attention in just about every aspect of their lives and there’s no reason why an intimate relationship should be any different. I’m not saying that it’s necessarily like that behind closed doors, but when the cameras come out, the boo has got to be comfortable stepping just out of frame.

Below, with the help of rigorous research I conducted by reading tabloids and gossip websites, I’ve laid out three categories of men that the woman who has everything should focus on. Just call me Patti Stanger. Wait, no, never call me that.

The Foreign Millionaire or Billionaire

Let’s be honest, this should probably always be the first choice for the woman who has everything. A man who has built his own fortune means you don’t have to buy him a new car so he can drive you places. The foreign millionaire/billionaire can properly pronounce all the designers in your wardrobe, knows how to pick out a good bottle of wine and is secure enough to be “the boyfriend of.”

Notable proponents of this model include Naomi Campbell and the Russian James Bond, rapper Eve who recently married British entrepreneur Maximillion Cooper, Salma Hayek and her French billionaire husband and, of course, Janet Jackson. Janet. Did. It. Right. She married Qatari billionaire Wissam Al Mana in 2012 and didn’t even tell anyone. At this very moment, the two of them are thoroughly enjoying their lives and money probably on a yacht off on an island that none of us have even heard of.

This could be a solid route for Mariah. Dodai suggested she try to find a Count or an Earl in some obscure European country, which would allow Mariah to finally be the royalty that she has always believed herself to be.

The Sexy Young Thang

This is one way of showing the world that homegirl still got it. With a sexy young thang, you’ve got prime eye candy in sight at all times. He’ll push you to go to the gym with him and can make a mean protein smoothie. He also looks excellent in a tux and won’t try to butt in during your red carpet interviews. The sexy young thang is moldable — he won’t make a fuss when you pick out his tie or teach him the proper amount to tip a private masseur. Plus, you get to call most of the shots. Do you think all of Madonna’s boyfriends wanted to babysit her kids? Maybe, but they sure didn’t have much of a choice either way.

Notable proponents of the sexy young thang option include Tina Turner and sexy young Italian thangs, Robin Wright, who is engaged to Ben Foster, and Jennifer Lopez, who publicly expressed her fondness for the sexy young thang. And we cannot forget the entire dating histories of Madonna and Cher.

The Regular Guy

Admittedly, this is the less popular route, but it has the highest probability of turning into something stable. I’m not sure where exactly the woman who has everything will be meeting this regular Joe, but it seems like pooling from your personal work force is a good place to start (i.e. bodyguards, chefs, managers, choreographers). I can’t even imagine how long its been since Mariah Carey went to the grocery store or a Starbucks on her own, but maybe she can get an assistant to go out into the real world and find someone for her.

Proponents include Heidi Klum, who dated her bodyguard after her split from Seal; Susan Sarandon and whoever that guy was post-Tim Robbins; and Britney Spears and every guy she’s dated other than Justin Timberlake. Personally, I’ve always felt that this would be an excellent option for Halle Berry instead of the strong-jawed famous dudes she usually goes for.

In a perfect world, the woman who has everything would be able to shop for a man, as she does when selecting an Hermès bag, or in the shoe department of Barneys, but I think this is a good set of guidelines. I don’t know who Mariah will end up with next, but if she sticks to this group, while she may not find true happiness, I predict she can get at least one solid album out of the relationship.

Images via Getty.

 
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