How About Don't Fuck It


Without revealing too much, let’s say that every one of us has had that dark moment where one wonders if an inanimate object can, perhaps, be used for sex. Answers, however, tend to vary—for instance, people with penises probably shouldn’t attempt sex with a five-pound weight. reports, via The Cut, that German firefighters in the city of Worms spent three hours breaking a five-pound weight off some poor dude’s dick after he stuck it inside the weight. He was apparently taken to the hospital on Friday, but doctors could do nothing for him. In a post, the department shared a photo of the result; of the result to the weight, not what they call the “sensitive part.”

The human handlebar was sedated, and officials engaged the peen squeezer with an angle grinder, a saw and, eventually, a hydraulic rescue device that busted it apart. If you need the Jaws of Life to save your dick, you’ve taken a wrong turn. Though we don’t know why, exactly, the man stuck his penis in the weight—it’s possible he was just trying to build his lower body strength—here’s some advice: How about don’t fuck it?

According to Fox 11, as horrible as this likely was for the victim, it’s not something the Worms fire department is looking to repeat again either. In their post, they write, “Bitte solche Aktionen nicht nachmachen!” which means “Please do not try such actions!” No matter how much you want to, don’t fuck it, whatever it is.

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