I will open this article with my new favorite platitude to bellow at strangers in an attempt to foster a feeling of community: IT IS SO HOT, SERIOUSLY, IT IS VERY HOT. I am barely emotionally equipped to deal with it. According to my tireless research, I’ve found that the best psychological method for dealing with the heat is to drag your quivering sweaty lump of a body between various air conditioned locations, all the while sort of moaning my new catchphrase (to reiterate, “It’s so hot”) to any human being you encounter.
But what of your appearance? During these torrid summer months, the battle to not resemble a dripping piece of meat with a cheap wig glued to it is fairly futile — especially now that we, like the big bunch of lovable idiots we are, have done possibly irreversible damage to the climate that we like to further augment by blasting our air conditioners all the time and letting our dogs watch the dog TV network while we’re at work.
Even though our continent has basically been transposed into the seething fires of Mount Doom, we bewigged meats are still subject to ridiculous social pressures to look a certain way. Just as we expect the miserable, sweaty men of America to sheath their entire legs in fabric under the guise of “dignified professionalism,” we have certain cosmetic expectations for women. Such as: you can’t trundle around in a sweat-created version Johnny Depp’s Tonto makeup no matter how lazy you are, you can’t let your swamp-boob get the best of you, and you must heed the imperative to CONQUER HUMIDITY AND FRIZZ. The best way to do this is to master “chic summer hair”: gentle beach waves! “Goddess braids”! Formulas that contain a specific polymer that adds shine and keeps your finished style from frizzing out!
As Miley Cyrus has shown us, your hairstyle can literally change your life. If you make the right Hair Decision, you can learn to twerk, star in a music video about lip balm and cultural appropriation that gets nominated for a VMA, and become Maxim‘s No.1 hottest woman within a matter of months. On the other hand though, ugh, it’s so hot and no one wants to conquer anything under these condition — not even the semi-abstract concept of humidity and frizz.
Fortunately for everyone, I’ve compiled this quick and useful guide of Cute Summer Hairstyles That Show It’s Too Hot to Give a Shit:
The Flaccid Ponytail, Damp With Sweat and Grime
HOW TO GET THE LOOK: First, leave your house with your hair down in attempt to rock some gentle beach curls. Then, after priming your hair with stale subway air, feel it sweatily clinging to your neck like a very weak and malicious devil. Next, go to put your hair up. This step is the most important one: begin to worry that everyone else on the subway can see your pit stains and quickly abandon your styling attempt. Voila! You now half a depressing half-mast ponytail flopping around on the back of your head.
PERFECT FOR: Contemplating canceling your gym membership.
The Baba Yaga’s Hut
HOW TO GET THE LOOK: This artfully messy style is quick and easy, and it’s named after the folkloric thatched hut on chicken legs in which a child-eating witch lived. For this one, you want to gather all of your hair on top of your head and fasten it with whatever you can find — if you don’t have a hair tie, you can use a binder clip, masking tape, a stray 6-pack holder you find blowing down the street like a tumbleweed, etc. The end product should look like this. If you have a lot of hair, consider making multiple huts.
PERFECT FOR: Lying on your couch, alone, watching Pretty Little Liars after telling your friends that you already have plans for the night.
The Steamy Cloud
GET THE LOOK: Debate going a little bit out of your way on your return trip from work in order to get an anti-frizz serum. Decide it’s too damn hot. Watch your hair slowly puff up like the breast of a pompous man in a cartoon. Let the little sweat droplets gleam in your steamy cloud like so many diamonds. You are the king of the summer.
PERFECT FOR: Furtively pouring a milkshake down your cleavage.
The Seasonal Beach Hairwrap
HOW TO GET THE LOOK: This is a look you cultivate by not tending to, or even thinking about, your hair for about a week. If little bits of garbage and food residue get in there, that’s great! I once had a Seasonal Beach Hairwrap made out of lettuce that fell out of my falafel and popsicle drippings. The concept you should channel for this is “public restroom at Bonnaroo.”
PERFECT FOR: Stumbling into an American Apparel because it looks like it’s air conditioned in there.
JUST SHAVE IT OFF, GOD DAMN IT I AM SO HOT
HOW TO GET THE LOOK: In a fit of heat-rage, find an electric razor just lying around (or buy one?). Say to yourself, “I can totally pull this off! Grace Jones did it!” Shave your entire head. Burn your hair clippings as an offering to Gaia and ask her to please make it a little colder out.
PERFECT FOR: Any occasion.
Image via AlexAnnaButs/Shutterstock.