Remember that one time noted legal scholar Jeffery Toobin yanked his crank on a Zoom by “accident” and scandalized a New Yorker election simulation? I tried to forget it, but unfortunately, I have been forced to remember, because he has been relieved of his duties. He’s fired!
This news came courtesy of a memo obtained by the rascally Maxwell Tani at the Daily Beast.
“I am writing to share with you that our investigation regarding Jeffrey Toobin is complete, and as a result, he is no longer affiliated with our company,” read a memo from Stan Duncan, Condé Nast’s chief people officer, to staffers obtained by The Daily Beast.
“I want to assure everyone that we take workplace matters seriously. We are committed to fostering an environment where everyone feels respected and upholds our standards of conduct.”
Toobin confirmed his departure from the New Yorker with the following tweet, which to me reads just the teensiest bit miffed, as if he thought he could drag his bratwurst out during the workday and get away with it?
There are more questions about the Toobin dick incident investigation that I fear we’ll never get answers to. Primarily, what was the nature of this “investigation” and also, why did it take so long? I’m sure there’s a dick joke in here that we’re all missing—Toobin’s tuber is the thing that finally fucked him, and not the other way around.
Here’s the lesson that we all should learn: Keep your dick in your pants and check to make sure your computer is always closed before you stand up to do something, like go to the bathroom, get some more seltzer, or prepare to jerk off on camera. Good night, Jeffrey Toobin, and good luck.