Kazakhstan Warns Children Against Noted Hooligan, SpongeBob SquarePants


The Republic of Kazakhstan has joined the foreign policy debate, taking a harsh stance on marine matters—the country has deemed SpongeBob SquarePants, the lovable star of the eponymous TV show a goddamn hooligan, out to corrupt the minds of the nation’s children.

The Moscow Times reports that a government official went in on cable channels in the US and France for their “substandard educational message” and lambasted SpongeBob SquarePants in particular, saying:

“SpongeBob beats up his neighbor, misbehaves and enjoys that,” Zabira Orazaliyeva, who oversees children’s rights at the Kazakh Education and Science Ministry, was quoted as saying Wednesday by news site Newskaz.ru.
“This hooligan behavior stays in the child’s mind. They [see SpongeBob] as a role model and try to re-enact [his behavior] in real life,” Orazaliyeva added.

Honestly, I have definitely re-enacted SpongeBob’s behavior IRL. I once made a sandwich and used ketchup to draw little smiley faces on the pickles, WHICH I LEARNED FROM SPONGEBOB. I have also made very offensive jokes about squirrels—WHICH I LEARNED FROM SPONGEBOB. And I consistently refer to the human penis as “AN ALASKAN BULL WORM.” Which I learned from SpongeBob. So take me away, officers, for I too enjoy misbehaving.

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