Well, it’s that time of year again—time to say RIP to gross, rickety Old-Man-Baby New Year 2012 and mop up the afterbirth of red, slippery, mewling little new Baby New Year 2013. And with the flip-flapping of the calendar comes your weird superstitious notion that you’re suddenly going to have the fortitude to do all the stuff you’ve never in your life been able to do. Be nicer to Nana! Eat more kale! Put batteries in the pedometer! Go through all the piles! (LOL @ ALL OF THE PILES YEAH RIGHT.) Let’s face it: That shit is never going to happen—or, at least, it’s not going to happen 100%. So why set yourself up for disappointment? The only foolproof way to meet your goals is to actually set meetable goals. Aim lower, tiger! Mediocrity is your oyster! Here’s our guide to scaling back your New Year’s resolutions so you might actually get some of your shit done—and so you won’t feel like such a rancid failure-sack one year from now.
1. Spend More Time with Family and Friends
What This Resolution Says About You: You’re feeling bad because you spent a lot of time in 2012 doing no-pants SVU/Totino’s Party Pizza marathons instead of having boring-ass guilt-brunch with Nana. (It is possible—but unconfirmed!—that I will be doing A GREAT DEAL of projecting in these analyses.) Plus, you’ve noticed the cold hand of death lingering near the throat of everyone you love, because, statistically speaking, the entire earth should be dead from falling down the stairs and/or choking on food by now (IT COULD HAPPEN AT ANY TIME), and you want to make sure you aren’t one of those assholes who didn’t care until it was too late. A noble sentiment. Once people you love start dying, it’s almost impossible to escape the knowledge that everyone you love is going to die. Life is shit that way. (But don’t sell yourself short on SVU time! It’s your medicine! Also, Nana is kind of a judgmental dick!)
How Likely You Are to Follow Through: THREE stupid New Year’s number-glasses-thingies.
This one isn’t so hard to follow through on, because spending time with family and friends can actually be enjoyable—unlike kettle-bell swings and sand loaf spelt toast (see #3)—but the potential for “fun” isn’t always enough to get you out of your bed. Because you know what’s always “fun”? Fucking doing whatever you want!
More Realistic Version: “I resolve to always text Mom back within two hours of her texting me—unless, you know, I don’t, because I’m busy. Also I will host a dinner party once in a while. Also, I understand that my friends are not going to die in a car accident just because I didn’t tell them to ‘Drive safe’ enough times. That is some witchcrafty shit and I will stop it.”
2. Lose Weight/Get Fitter
What This Resolution Says About You: Literally nothing. You are everyone in the entire goddamn country.
How Likely You Are to Follow Through: ONE stupid New Year’s number-glasses-thingies.
Come on, bro. How many years in a row has this been your thing? And in how many of those years have you actually kettle-bell-swunged your way to a perf bikini boday? Zero many, that’s how. There’s nothing wrong with striving for fitness—it feels great! We should all do it! If we want!—but don’t bankrupt yourself on gym memberships you’re never going to use and then shame yourself to death for never using those expensive gym memberships. That’s not helpful, little fitness muffin! If you like going to the gym, kudos. If you don’t, just try walking a little bit more! Also, you guys should try and convince my boyfriend to leave me and date you instead, because he makes hella good lentils. Like, to the point where you’ll see a Totino’s and be like, “Not today, garbage pizza.”
More Realistic Version: “I will go for a walk sometimes.”
3. Quit Smoking
What This Resolution Says About You: You are addicted to cigarettes and you realized that you are not Elrond Half-Elven and you are going to fucking diiiiiiiiiiie the shit out of being alive one of these days. Also, you are basically spending hella bucks on maintaining a mild state of pointless nausea. So maybe this is the year that you’re finaly like, “wait whut.”
How Likely You Are to Follow Through: ONE stupid New Year’s number-glasses-thingies.
Come on, man. You’re addicted to it! That’s why they call it an a-DICK-shun. Because it’s a fucking dick to shun. (I’M SORRY, OKAY!?!? THEY CAN’T ALL BE WINNERS.)
More Realistic Version: Ehh, this one’s kind of all-or-nothing, so if you want to quit you should try to quit. Anyway, I don’t even know you. Maybe you will quit smoking! I believe in you!
4. Enjoy Life More/Be Less Stressed
What This Resolution Says About You: You’re stressed and you don’t like it. But that’s okay! Life is stressful! This just means that you are normal human with stuff to do.
How Likely You Are to Follow Through: TWO stupid New Year’s number-glasses-thingies.
Not super likely. I mean, it’s so vague and unattainable that you might as well be like, “Get better at transfiguration!” or “Stop conjuring such a shitty patronus!” There are approximately gwelve-cotillion-banana-fana-fo-frillion things that contribute to a person’s stress, and trying to “fix” them all is just the world’s most demoralizing game of Whack-a-Mole. Exercising can help for some people, and therapy, and a clean house, and a solid social structure, but the sooner you come to terms with the fact that you’re always going to be a little bit miserable, the sooner you can start celebrating all the fun stuffed in the cracks of the misery.
More Realistic Version: “I resolve to have some tea and a nap.”
5. Don’t Be Such a Drunk
What This Resolution Says About You: You are embarrassed about being such a drunk.
How Likely You Are to Follow Through:ONE stupid New Year’s number-glasses-thingies.
Haha yeah right. You’re drunk right now!
More Realistic Version: “I resolve to drink a glass of water for every three gin and tonics. Also I will shut up sometimes and stop making out with Craig just because I feel fat that day.”
6. Get Out of Debt/Save Money
What This Resolution Says About You: You are kind of on the verge of being a grown-up! You are tired of living paycheck-to-paycheck and your newfound obsession with mortality (see #1) has you thinking about the fact that you’re almost (or more than) halfway to retirement. WTF is “retirement,” though!?!? Well, it’s not some magical automatic severance package from Barack Obama with an engraved pen that says, “Thx 4 bein’ a cool dude! Enjoy these relaxation buck$$$!”—you have to actually figure this shit out for YOURSELF. Which means that you have to save some money. Like, starting now.
How Likely You Are to Follow Through: TWO stupid New Year’s number-glasses-thingies.
Ugh, this shit is hard. Because there’s this thing you can do with money where you exchange it for goods and services such as pasta, vacuum sealers, Footsys, and plane tickets. But no? You’re just supposed to not buy this bacon scarf because of some abstract notion about “needing” to buy “medicine” 40 years from now? Please. But yes. That is exactly what you are supposed to do.
More Realistic Version: “I will cook more food at home instead of eating at restaurants all the time. I will turn off the space heater when I leave the room. I will save $20. Sometimes.”
7. Get Organized
What This Resolution Says About You: You are me.
How Likely You Are to Follow Through: TWO stupid New Year’s number-glasses-thingies.
If you were the kind of person who was capable of going through all the piles and then not having any piles anymore, you wouldn’t have any piles. So obviously you are always going to have piles. But you can have fewer piles! And you can strive to not create too many new piles on top of the old piles! Also, pro tip: If you do a quick once-over and make sure there’s nothing super-important (like your passport—high five, self!) in any of the piles, you can just throw all of the piles away. Yes, I know Saddam Hussein is making a funny face, but realistically you are never going to do anything with those “hilarious” newspaper clippings. Toss. Dump. Shred.
More Realistic Version: “I resolve to go through one of the piles. I am an accomplisher!”
8. Just Do the Same Shit You Always Do But Maybe with 10% More Purpose and Contentment
What This Resolution Says About You: You are probably going to fulfill your New Year’s resolution. Congratulations!
How Likely You Are to Follow Through: FIVE stupid New Year’s number-glasses-thingies.
Life is really really hard and surprising. Here’s what has happened to me over (approximately) the past year: I moved to a different state and then back again; I quit a beloved longterm job and started a bigger, scarier job; I went through a soul-shredding break-up and a complicated make-up; I got check-frauded for $800,000 (lol—flattering!); I turned 30; I acquired children; my dad died; my aunt died; my dog died; my tooth died; and every day, during all of that, a bunch of anonymous dickheads told me I was a fat bitch on the internet. So, sure, maybe in January of 2012 I promised myself I was going to run a 10k this year or whatever, but at this point, WHOOOOO FUUUUUCKING CAAAAARES. Sometimes life gets in the way of our life goals. Sometimes the worst year is also the best year. And that’s hard enough to process without beating ourselves up over some artificial standards we imposed when we had no clue what was about to happen.
More Realistic Version: “I have no idea what will happen to me this year, but I will try my best to be a really good version of me. And if I fail, no big. There’s always Baby New Year 2014.”
Image by Jim Cooke.