People Shouldn't Get Swole Because If We Need to Eat Them in a Donner Party Situation They'll Taste Bad

On Monday, the Jezebel staff was startled to learn that actor Kumail Nanjiani was swole, fit, extremely jacked. “I never thought I’d be one of those people who would post a thirsty shirtless, but I’ve worked way too hard for way too long so here we are,” he wrote in an embarrassingly earnest Instagram caption posted with a photo of his new abs, in which he credits some trainers and people who’ve helped him.

Nanjiani, who has played a schlubby comedian in The Big Sick and a schlubby tech bro in Silicon Valley, is undergoing this makeover to star in the forthcoming Marvel comics movie The Eternals. Which is great for him! Seriously, do you, bro. But I do have some larger concerns about what happens when a Normal Man becomes a staggeringly Jacked Man, a growing phenomenon in Hollywood (see: Chris Pratt, Jon Krasinski) but also in real life as everyone is suddenly latching onto wellness culture and heading to CrossFit and doing Keto and bulking the fuck up. My concern is that people won’t taste good in the event that we must eat their bodies in a Donner Party situation.

Let’s say you find yourself in such a situation (and don’t give me that shit about “never me.” Stay humble, please) and suddenly you have to eat your brethren, assuming they’re already dead and it’s totally ethical, as close to ethical human-eating can be? Similarly, what if our world goes the way of The Road and, again, you gotta eat people. You don’t want to think about it, but who would taste good in this situation? NOT jacked folks who are all lean muscle, I assume.

Maybe you’re thinking, “Wait, if you’re telling me people shouldn’t get swole because they’d taste bad, that is exactly why I’d get swole, so that people would be less inclined to eat me.”

True, but you can’t cheat death, and you can’t cheat your body being cannibalized in a dark, dystopian future in which you were simply too weak to survive. Hope that helps 🙂