The Most Unlikely Love Story You've Ever Heard


I’m looking for frivolity wherever I can find it these days and lately that’s been through taking long walks with my partner like we’re financially secure, homeowning boomers on our way out. We met two years ago. He attended a reading where I divulged the story of losing my virginity to a famous DJ (every bit of this sentence is disgusting, bear with me) and for whatever reason he wasn’t totally put off by it (red flag) so we shared some veggie nachos (he’s notoriously carnivorous, this is romance) and we’ve been stuck together ever since. It’s not a completely unlikely love story, but it’s a dumb and simple one that doesn’t complettely suck to share when people ask, “How did you met?” Sometimes the DJ thing will even get a chuckle. And I’m not sure I would’ve ever pursued him otherwise.

However! It’s way more likely that you’ve heard your fair share of wonderfully hilarious, totally weird, off-the-wall, dubious tales of the heart, and I’d love to hear them. Did anyone meet after getting into a bar fight? Did you both share in a mutual tragedy? Did you fall in love while taking a solo journey of self-discovery in Belize? Feel free to get as sentimental or fucked up as you want, we’re talking strange love today.

But before all that, let’s hear about the celebrities you irrationally hate.

kristinbytes really got into the spirit of the assignment:

Tom Hanks!
I don’t care how many people say he’s “the nicest guy in Hollywood”. Fuck that guy! I don’t care that he’s a solid actor with a good reputation.
I have zero rational reasons for my hatred. I don’t even hold Chet against him.
I just know from the bottom of my soul that he is my enemy.

HaHaYouFool fucking HATES Tom Cruise:

I fucking hate that guy. However, it is an extremely rational hate. He is someone who has achieved his success in life with, yes, hard work and talent, but those things only matter because he ALSO has had a MASSIVE ASSIST in the form of: whiteness, wealth, power, connection, etc. etc.
Dude is only famous and successful because of his enormous privilege, to which he remains purposefully and violently blind. I am talking about his evangelism for Scientology, and how you, too can become this successful too, if you only follow the steps and believe it in your heart!!
Get fucked, you piece of worthless, miserable shit.

SayYes2Scorpions is correct, Sharon Stone sucks (if this actually happened):

Sharon Stone asked me for a stick of gum.
I held out my hand with the pack in it, thinking that she’d just a grab a piece, but she TOOK THE WHOLE PACK OF GUM OUT OF MY HAND AND WALKED AWAY!!

Kate Face probably has a handful of face opinions:

I want to punch Tobey Maguire in his stupid crumply-cry face.

Daaaaamn Gina:

Mark Wahlberg. Mainly for unleashing his even more untalented siblings on the world.

Nom de pixel is really rude, but I laughed:

I hate Angelina Jolie. I don’t think she can act. I think she looks too much like a severe, mean Steve Buscemi to be pretty, and I especially hate her hypocritical saint act.

BlondeGoddess is not over the wolf dancing:

So. Hard. To. Pick. One. I have loads of irrational hates. Okay, 1: Kevin Costner. Mainly because of Dances With Wolves, because he not only gave himself a what he undoubtedly thought was a very sexy and happening makeover half way through the movie (talking about the mullet and the bare arms with just a uniform vest and tight pants ugh), he also let the horse AND the bloody wolf die (not literally, but as a director and storyteller) and there were loads of other problematic things. He’s white male privilege personified. Okay so this is an actual rational hate.

And Cunctator, who is hilariously upset at all of the Peanuts:

I’m not sure he meets this definition of celebrity, but…Charles Schulz.
Something about Peanuts just agitates the shit out of me. I hate Charlie and I hate Lucy and I hate Pigpen and I hate that fucking dog and that fucking canary and FUCK the great pumpkin and FUCK Christmas Time Is Here straight to hell. I don’t even like the Peanuts-related JOKES in Arrested Development or when Stephen Colbert draws Snoopy.
Was it wholesome and sweet? Yes it was. Did it arguably play a positive role in American race relations? The evidence suggests that it did. I DON’T GIVE A SHIT, SET THAT CREEPY FUCKING CARTOON ON FIRE FOREVER

Let’s hear those love stories.

Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Share Tweet Submit Pin