This Week In Tabloids: Angelina's Pregnant, Lindsay Refuses Rehab

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we search for worthwhile “news” in In Touch, Star, Life & Style, Ok! and Us.

“Idol Wars.”
This incredibly boring story about how maybe Kara DioGuardi and Paula Abdul may not get along contains the following quote: “During breaks, Simon, Randy and Paula would leave the table to talk to the crowd or get food, leaving Kara to swivel in her chair,” an onlooker tells Ok!. “Kara was the odd man out.” Sniff! Moving on: If you looove Robert Pattinson, there are some pictures of him inside. Also inside: Neighbors overheard Lindsay Lohan in her house, yelling: “Mom, stop it! Enough! Quit it!” Apparently Dina was trying to get Lindsay to go to rehab. Next: Since Brad Pitt drives his kids to school now, moms on Long Island are getting dressed up! “They usually wear sweatpants, but now they’re all decked out,” a source says. Lastly, Marie Osmond says: “I’m the original Octomom!”
Grade: F (fire ants)

Life & Style
“Twilight Heartbreak.”
The mag claims that Robert Pattinson has been hooking up with costar Nikki Reed. A source says: “Rob’s been flirting with everyone on set, in front of Nikki, even though they’ve been sleeping together.” But! “He can get any girl on set except Kristen [Stewart].” Anyway, Rob and Nikki have been fighting on set and OMG DRAMZ. Oh, look, a “poor Jennifer Aniston” story! This one is called “Jen’s Struggle With Aging” and says: “She’s having a problem with the fact that her character [in The Baster] who is trying to pregnant ages from 40 to 48 in the movie. ‘She keeps saying it’s not believable because she looks much younger,’ says the insider. ‘She asked the make-up artist what high-tech effects they’re going to use to age her, and she was disappointed to learn there aren’t any.'” Sad! Nadya Suleman says “I only slept 2 hours last night,” and a doctor who does not treat her says, “Most people need between six and eight hours of sleep in some form.” Really? You don’t say! The Kardashians have a “dream house” now because their other house was too small or something. “The other house just felt so crowded,” Kendall Kardashian says. The new mansion has six bedrooms and eight baths. This week in Dr. Rey’s Casebook, it’s “Who Has The Best Butt In Hollywood.” [Fig. 1] The doctor says, “Most people would need a surgical solution like butt implants to achieve Beyoncé’s look.” Also, Mischa Barton would look better with AnnaLynne McCord’s ass. There’s an interview with Gwyneth and Madonna’s trainer, Tracy Anderson, who says: “Anyone can have a teeny-tiny body.” She may feel this way because she is five feet tall and 91 lbs. What if you are six feet or have different genetics, hmm?
Grade: D- (bed bugs)

In Touch
“How We Keep Our Love Alive.”
There’s nothing new in this cover story — lots of stuff about Barack and Michelle’s exes, and the quotes come from Ladies Home Journal, O: The Oprah Magazine and Essence. But one awesome thing is this prom picture of Michelle [Fig 2]. Moving on: The mag uses a quote from Scarlett Johansson’s Huffington Post rant against how tabloids comment on her weight as a diet tip. Breaking: Brad and Angelina haven’t been seen together in 48 days! Uh-oh, Britney’s man, backup dancer Chase Benz, has a girlfriend. Chase’s mom talked to the mag from her home in Tennessee, saying: “He has a girlfriend that lives here in Tennessee. They’ve been dating for three years. She is 21 like Chase. And she is beautiful on the inside as well as the outside… Britney is a pretty girl but his girlfriend has nothing to worry about.” Guess who is getting half of Mel Gibson’s $900 million estate? His wife! There’s no pre-nup… A story called “It’s Baby Time!” claims that Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry might adopt and Heidi Klum is four months pregnant. Next up: When Lindsay Lohan was out partying recently, she asked her friends to call her “Eleanor.” But she denies this. Lisa Rinna on posing for Playboy at 45: “I hope it inspires women to feel good about themselves in their 40s, that you can still be viable and sexy.” Another “Poor Jen” story! Ms. Aniston had “several secret meetings” with Gerard Butler because they’re planning to star in a movie together. But Gerard is a “fame-seeker,” and a “player” who “won’t commit” so Jen is “picking the wrong man again.” Jen’s been calling her friends and crying, saying she can’t stand to be alone. The mag helpfully points out that even though Jen ranked above Angelina on a list of celebrity salaries, “money can’t buy love.” Feel like stalking? Nicole Richie, Heidi Klum, Isla Fisher, Gwen Stefani and Jessica Alba all take their kids to “Hollywood’s Hottest Playground,” which is Coldwater Canyon Park in Beverly Hills. WOO HOO: Fourteen months after separating, Pink and Carey Hart are getting married again! A friend says they want to have a ceremony at their house in Malibu on the beach at sunset. Awww.
Grade: D+ (fleas)

“Inside The $900 Million Split.”
Mel Gibson has been cheating on his wife with a Russian musician named Oksana, who is on his music label. He also shot one of her videos. This story is illustrated with a picture of Mel kissing Oksana on a beach in Costa Rica. Moving on: Lindsay emailed Us and said: “These accusations of me being crazy are not only inadequate but absurd.” The mag says she was out partying with her mom and drank 7 cocktails in less than 2 hours and couldn’t even stand up; she counters: “I don’t drink for quite some time now.” As for the cutting, she says: “Hahaha… I’m not a cutter.” She also defended her mother clubbing with her: “My mother is amazing and she came here to be here for me.” Next: The mag claims that when Rihanna saw pictures of Chris Brown with a new ladyfriend, she sent him a text message, and he replied, “It’s none of your business.” An article called “Meet Bo Obama!” has a quote from a trainer who worked with Bo: “I have worked with a lot of dogs, and Bo is incredibly bright and sensitive. He has an excellent memory. He’d pick up a stick on a walk, drop it, then on the way back he would use his nose and go right to the same stick, which I found amazing.” Lastly, in a story called “Palin Family Feud,” the mag talks to Bristol’s hairdresser and “friend” LaVancha Lankford, who says: “Bristol was shocked [that Levi’s sister spoke to a tabloid].” A source claims that Levi Johnston has hooked up with a girl named Khori Elder, who has her lip pierced, and whose Facebook profile says “every girl needs a man to make her weak.” This magazine also had a pull-out poster of Britney’s Candie’s ad in it, which we plan to hang in our non-existent locker.
Grade: C- (ticks)

“Angelina Pregnant Again!”
A “family insider” says “Yes, Angie is pregnant. They’ve been trying for another baby for months, but it was still a total shock when she found out. Brad and Angie have been fighting so much lately it just doesn’t seem possible.” Another source says “It happened just in time because things were getting ugly between them.” Wanna know all about the moment she told Brad? “Angie met him by the front door, looking gorgeous, and told him she was having a baby. Brad was shocked at first, I mean, he was just stunned. He literally swept Angelina off her feet and carried her into the house. He was laughing and crying and kissing her. It was very emotional for them both.” Anyway this baby has put an end the the feuding and even though she’s only two and a half months along, they’re trying to decide where the kid will be born. Brad wants New Orleans. And! Angelina is craving Twinkies, just so you know. Next: Rupert Everett has done something to his face. [Fig. 3]. A doctor who does not treat him says: “I think Rupert had a face lift. His cheeks are fuller and lifted, and his jawline and neck are pulled back and smoother.” Oh, and a chin implant. The forehead? Botox. Pink and Carey Hart have agreed never to be away from each other for more than 2 weeks. Make it work! Ed Westwick and Jessica Szohr went out to dinner with Ed’s parents when they visited from England. Is Fergie losing her hair [Fig. 4]? Blind item: “Which actor needs to give his nose a break? His coke-heavy ‘model parties’ have already sent him to the hospital once recently, but he can’t stop being host to starlets.” Twilight gossip: “Kristen Stewart and Nikki Reed are competing for Rob’s attention,” says a source. Apparently they both like him and are “headed for a major showdown.” Robert Pattinson has been visiting both of their hotel rooms. David Duchovny and Tea Leoni are totes back together and the mag has pictures of them dancing closely, embracing each other in the Caribbean. Here’s a great quote from a story about Britney Spears and Kevin Federline: “Kevin misses Britney and her intrigue. She’s the only woman who keeps his mind in suspense and constant turmoil. And Kevin misses the everyday fun of it.” Miley Cyrus has a “secret brother” whom she never sees. His name is Christopher Cyrus, he’s 17, and he lives with his mom and stepdad in Texas. Apparently Billy Ray fathered this kid right before Miley; they’re less than 8 months apart. Levi Johnston’ sister Mercede spoke to star again, saying, “My dad is determined to get 50/50 custody of Tripp for Levi. He’s going to fight for it.”
Grade: C (mosquitoes)

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