This Week In Tabloids: Random Chick Claims She Miscarried Matt Bellamy's Fetus

Life & Style
“Another Royal Wedding!”
Here, the copy reads, “After seeing his brother walk down the aisle, Prince Harry can’t wait to make girlfriend Chelsy Davy a bride!” At William and Kate’s reception, Harry snuggled close to Chelsy and whispered in her ear, “You’re next.” Not in a serial killer way. In a “I’m gonna marry you” way. And somehow tabloid editors heard it. Since Kate and William got engaged in Kenya and Chelsy is from Zimbabwe, Prince Harry MIGHT propose to Chelsy somewhere on the continent of Africa. And he MIGHT choose an aquamarine stone to match her eyes. But since Harry is the spare and not the heir, he is “not under the same pressure as his brother to have a big public wedding.” This theoretical ceremony will most likely be low-key and take place at the queen’s country castle at Windsor. Meanwhile, Pippa Middleton is secretly engaged. She and broker boyfriend Alex Loudon “have been virtually living together in London” and MIGHT announce their engagement once the royal wedding hoopla has died down. Moving on: Sandra Bullock’s “new man” is a new employee: A bodyguard, who is married, but with whom she has a “wonderful friendship.” The piece titled “Angelina Talks Adoption” is not about Angie bringing a new kid into the family, but instead about how she explains the concept of orphanages to Pax, Zahara and Maddox. Katie Holmes is “not ready for another baby,” and when she and Tom Cruise were at a humanitarian award dinner, they “barely spoke” to each other. Maybe because that would be rude to do while there was a presentation going on? Also: “There was a definite chill between them. They looked like they weren’t even friends.” Ashlee Simpson was spotted wearing her wedding ring again, which we are meant to take as a sign that she and Pete Wentz “haven’t given up on their marriage.” Finally, Bristol Palin “seems to have had some liposuction on her entire neck,” according to a plastic surgeon who does not treat her. She may have also have a “buccal fat extraction, which removes fat from the cheeks. Fun!
Grade: D (Diet Coke & Dexatrim)

Star
“Stars Without Makeup!”
What we have here are eight pages of celebrities without foundation, mascara or lipstick, along with snide comments. Katy Perry is “pale in comparison” to how she looks on the red carpet. Lady Gaga is “Lady NoNo” without her eyeliner and fake lashes. Madonna’s face is “bland ambition”; Maria Shriver is “bad news.” Iman “should know how to beautify herself — or, at the very least, cover those eye bags.” And so on. Let’s push ahead. Zoë Saldana has been suffering from a “really bad case of the blues for months now,” and her moods are “all over the place.” She’s barely eating and her bank account is dwindling, because she’s “blown through what she earned.” Sniffle. Brad Pitt has a new tattoo — and it’s Angelina Jolie’s autograph! “They were in bed once day last sumer when Angelina signed her name on Brad’s stomach in pen,” says a source. “Brad absolutely loved it and secretly had their tattoo artist ink him.” (See Fig. 3) Love! David Arquette has a plan to win Courteney Cox back, and it involves couples therapy and being a great dad to Coco. Janice Dickinson is in love. The lucky man is a 33-year-old Brit who served in Iraq as an Elite forces officer. Janice loves him because he’s hot. Also, “he’s sober, and so am I.” The two like to go on long hikes and take photos, sometimes of each other. A lady who slept with Muse singer Matthew Bellamy right before he hooked up with Kate Hudson says Matt betrayed her. Sophia Bloxam claims that she met Matt via MySpace (?!?!) and they had an intense email relationship. Finally, she saw him in the flesh at a show, after which the twosome “shacked up” in a hotel for a “two-night, three-day sex marathon. Sophia says they had unprotected sex at least eight times, and that Matt knew she was not on birth control, but was “fine with that.” Later he texted her, “There is a good chance you could be pregnant, as we used no contraception.” She texted back that everything would be fine, and that whatever the outcome was “we would be ok.” WTF does that mean? She wanted to get knocked up? Anyway. Sophia found out she was pregs and tried to call and text Matt, who refused to return her messages. She wanted to see him at Cochella and tell him the news in person, but felt too ill. Later she found out that he met Kate Hudson at Coachella. Soon after that, Sophia suffered a miscarriage. It doesn’t seem like Sophia and Matt were dating —- sounds more like a one-night-stand gone cuckoo, but Sophia warns Kate: “He has an issue with fidelity.” Next, Kim Kardashian is planning her wedding — shopping for rings and hoping for a big ceremony to rival the royal wedding — with close to 1,000 people invited. American Idol‘s James Durbin (who has Tourette’s) used to have “uncontrollable episodes of violence” and once held a knife to his own throat and threatened to commit suicide before turning the blade on his 8-year-old stepbrother. Or so says James’s ex-stepfather, who seems to have sold this story to Star. Lastly, Bristol Palin had neck lipo and a chin implant, plus Botox to get her eyebrows arched, says (all together now) a doctor who does not treat her.
Grade: C (Tang and Tylendol)

Us
“Family Secrets”
What we learned from this cover story is that Carole Middleton is an “aspirational mother” who always wanted to best for her children. Subtext: scheming social climber! Pippa — who prefers to be called Philippa, thank you very much, never slept around, but did always flirt with “the most well-connected men.” Before the broker boyfriend she has now, Pippa dated a Scottish aristocrat and a diamond heir. In 2008, she was Tatler magazine’s “No. 1 Society Singleton.” But! Another source says Pippa and her boyf will get married soon. “It’s all hush-hush because of Kate’s wedding. But soon it will be Pippa’s time to shine.” Moving on! In a poll, 89% of Us readers would rather watch General Hospital than Katie Couric’s talk show, which might be pushing GH off the air. Jennifer Aniston shot a topless scene for the flick Horrible Bosses, but the producers aren’t sure if they’ll use it. Angelina Jolie shot ads for Louis Vuitton with photographer Annie Leibovitz in Cambodia along the banks for the Siem Reap river, but took time out from the job to visit the orphanage where Maddox once lived. Finally: It’s weird that Bristol Palin isn’t on the cover of Us, because she actually spoke to the magazine and explained that her new face is the result of “corrective jaw surgery” and was “necessary for medical reasons.” She swears: “I don’t obsess over my face!” And also adds: “I really didn’t think people would ever care or notice.” Babe, you thought wrong.
Grade: C+ (Aranciata and Airborne)

Addendum

Fig. 1, from In Touch

Fig. 2, from In Touch

Fig. 3, from Star