This Week In Tabloids: Thin Jen Writes Poetry For John; SJP's Moving Out


Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we learn that Jennifer Aniston is a poet who rhymes “luck” with “truck.”

Most of the covers were lame this week, with the word “thin” on two (New Year’s resolutions, anyone?), plastic surgery on one, Britney’s “comeback” on another and a juicy story about Sarah Jessica Parker maybe leaving Matthew Broderick on the last. Below, Intern Margaret assists as we peruse the predictable pages of OK!, Us, Life & Style, In Touch and Star.

Life & Style
“How I Got Thin”
While we have no idea how old the Britney photo is, (pre-pregnancy, maybe?) we definitely know that the Jessica Alba cover shot has been digitally altered like crazy. So this cover fails. Inside, we are informed that Britney gets Sunfare meals delivered to her home and is currently eating 1,100 -1,200 calories a day. As for Jessica, in her before and after pictures, she is pregnant in the “before.” There are details about how other stars lost weight, too: Eva Longoria lost weight by eating lots of fruits and vegetables. Oh! And Britney has a tourmaline ring that is helping her heal because it “boosts her inner strength and provides a sense of stability.” Moving on: Angelina Jolie has been wearing a lot of Ralph Lauren clothing, which she gets for free. But she’s not under contract with the company: “Lots of top designers send Angie clothes,” says a source. “She wears what she wants to.” Does Robert Pattinson want out of Twilight? He cropped his signature locks in the ultimate fuck you move (Fig. 1)! Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer were both in Los Cabos, Mexico over the holidays, but they stayed in hotels that were six miles apart! A source says: “Jen often can’t even reach him. I’ve never seen her get him on the first call. It’s almost like they communicate completely via text and voicemail. But Jen learned her lesson from the last time they broke up — she knows not to push John.” Underminery! “Shocking New Year’s Breakups” is a list of couples who made the drive to Splitsville last week: Jennifer Love Hewitt and fiancé Ross McCall; Patricia Arquette and husband of 2 years Thomas Jane; Katy Perry and Travis McCoy from Gym Class Heroes; Gossip Girl‘s Kelly Rutherford — who is three months pregnant — and husband Daniel Giersch. In “I’m Addicted To Botox,” there’s a huge picture of Tamra from Real Housewives of Orange County having a needle stuck into her forehead. Pretty much all of the Housewives admit to Botox and boob jobs. Lastly, in “These Stars Don’t Dress Their Age,” Madonna and Nicolette Sheridan are dressing too young, while Katherine Heigl and Katie Holmes are dressing too old (Fig. 2).
Grade: F (lose weight)

In Touch
“Who’s Had Plastic Surgery.”
Doctors who do not treat the stars think: Angelina Jolie had Botox and chemical peels; Tom Cruise had Juvéderm (and sends an assistant to pick up $1,390 jars of La Mer); and Jen Aniston gets lipodissolve, Botox and Juvéderm. Plus, we learn Megan Fox, 22, has already begun to get “preventative” Botox injections. Moving on: This story is summed up in the headline: “Poor Katie — Now Tom Says: I Want 10 Kids.” Maybe Xenu wants her to be a baby machine? Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez went on a “make or break” Puerto Rican vacation; J. Lo wants to keep it together for the twins. Even though the couple was spotted kissing and wearing wedding bands, a body language expert says J. Lo’s face is “devoid of any expression.” The NY Daily News has reported that J. Lo and Marc will break up after Valentine’s Day after singing one last time together at Madison Square Garden. Lastly, Kevin Federline and his new girlfriend, Victoria Prince, are getting serious and thinking about living together in Kevin’s Tarzana home. Britney’s not happy about Victoria being around her boys — Victoria has an arrest record.
Grade: D- (quit smoking)

“10 Years Later: What Price Fame?”
Britney’s conservatorship was supposed to end December 31, but she couldn’t get insured for her tour unless her father was in charge, so the deal is indefinite. But! She can’t get her kids back while she is still legally a child. “Whether it was her decision or she was pressured into it, Britney’s deal with the devil put the tour ahead of her kids,” says an insider. Also: Her choreographers, Wade Robson and Andre Fuentes, left the tour in December because Britney wasn’t doing any work. Moving on: Jennifer Aniston’s Mexican vacay included Sheryl Crow, Courteney Cox and Laura Dern. John Mayer was staying with his brothers in the same town; Jen told the girls that they had to accept her relationship with John, or else! Fergie is getting married to Josh Duhamel on January 10th and she’s registered at Crate & Barrel! At the wedding, expect to see Justin Timblerlake and Jessica Biel, Josh’s Transformers castmates Shia LaBeouf and Megan Fox and Fergie’s Nine castmates Kate Hudson, Daniel Day-Lewis and Penelope Cruz.
Grade: D (drink more water)

“How Jen Stays Thin” Basically, Jennifer Aniston runs every morning at 6 a.m. and does yoga every other day. Oh, and John Mayer told Jen that she had worked something she said to him [“Love is when compromise becomes your first choice”] into a new song he is writing, says a source. “She feels really honored.” The mag dug up an old picture of Jen when she weighed 145 lbs. (Fig. 3)! Moving on: Someone in this apartment shrieked when she saw this picture of Donatella Versace (Fig. 4). For some reason, we find it heartwarming that Pink and Carey Hart were seen kissing on New Year’s Eve. (Fig. 5) They’re technically not divorced, and might be giving it another try! Lastly, Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez were seen fighting in Puerto Rico and a body language expert says he’s the alpha dog and “controlling and aggressive.”
Grade: D+ (get a check up)

“Sarah Jessica Moving Out!”
Last August, Star revealed that Matthew Broderick was caught cheating; now Ms. Parker was spotted visiting a real estate broker! Matthew and Sarah are living separate lives, and now that the holidays are over, she is revisiting her exit strategy. They’ve had problems for the past decade, according to this story, because she is so busy with so many endorsement deals. They want to break the news to their kid with a family therapist present. Random people who work in their neighborhood say they used to see the two together all the time, but not so much anymore! Plus! Matthew had a secret date with Saturday Night Live producer Marci Klein in September — they were spotted nuzzling, tossing back cocktails and sharing chicken satay. (now Marci’s marriage is crumbling.) Next: A picture of Jon Stewart and his awesomely cute son, Nathan (Fig. 6). Robert Pattinson is a jerk: On a flight from L.A. to London, he was drinking beer and complaining about how much he dislikes Twilight fans bothering him. The cabin crew asked for his autograph, and he asked to be left alone. Blind item! “Which hot young actor has picked up the habits of his latest role? He has been spending several nights a week having slumber parties with his male assistant — no girls allowed.” Jennifer Aniston wrote John Mayer a poem for Christmas, and as a surprise for New Year’s, John recorded it as a song. Here are the lyrics: “Lucky in love, lucky in love/Didn’t forget me when I asked you to leave me/Didn’t forget me, now you’re along side me/You’ve brought luck to love/I’ve been hit by a truck in love.” In a photograph showcasing Nicole Richie’s hip bones, the mag has an arrow pointing to her concave abdomen with the words, “bump alert.” (Fig. 7) When Tom Crusie was dating Katie Holmes, he promised her she’d be the number one female box office earner in the world! But Mad Money flopped and now she’s wondering how Tom can run a big movie studio and not steer her toward an Oscar-worthy film. The mag helpfully points out that Nicole Kidman had to split up with Tom for her career to take off. Miley Cyrus was caught kissing Justin Gaston! The mag says it’s her first kiss. But what they mean is her first photographed kiss. A source says that Jennifer Love Hewitt’s wedding is off because her family wanted her to get a pre-nup, but her fiancé wouldn’t even look at it. The mag also points out that her dude liked her when she was curvier and “when she went on the diet she became a completely different woman — one he was no longer in love with.” Did you know that Willie Ames of Charles In Charge tried to kill himself on Thanksgiving? He’d been sober for 20 years but when his wife asked for a divorce, he went to a hotel room, drank, took pills, and put a knife to his throat, cutting himself in six places.
Grade: C+ (clean out closets)

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