This Week In Tabloids: What Shiloh & Zahara Will Look Like In 10 Years, Revealed


Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Margaret and I read In Touch, Star, Us, Ok! and Life & Style, searching for “news.” This week we found surreal, comedic entertainment: Forensic illustrations of the Jolie-Pitt kids in the year 2020!

“Betrayed By John.”
First: Jessica Simpson was pissed off at John Mayer’s Playboy interview, and told someone: “I’m annoyed John would sink so low.” A source says she’s dying to confront him about it, but wants to get her thoughts together. For now, she’s venting to friends about how pissed she is. She called her sister, Ashlee Simpson-Wentz, who said something like, look on the bright side — at least he didn’t say you were bad in bed. Next: Ryan Gosling is dating Michelle Williams, according to a source, and they’ve been seeing each other for a couple of months. Since they’re costarring in the movie Blue Valentine, it could be that they’re seeing each other on the set — as coworkers. Finally: Katy Perry is pictured leaving the gym wearing an oversized T-shirt and the mag has an arrow pointing to her abdomen with the word “Bump?” (see image 7) Apparently last month she Tweeted that she wasn’t pregnant and wrote, “better luck next month, peepz.” The mag notes: “FYI: it’s next month.”
Grade: F (medical diagram)

In Touch
“Boyfriend From Hell.”
Apparently Kourtney Kardashian’s boyfriend Scott Disick flirts with other women. He’s always on the phone and texting and doesn’t want to have anything to do with the baby; when someone tries to hand him the baby, he won’t even put his phone down. But Kourtney can’t get rid of him, because he’s already signed on for the new season of Kourtney & Khloe Take Miami and he plays the villain. Much is made of Kourtney being a single mom — the mag makes it seem like she is all by herself with no one to help her, but aren’t there like fifty people in the immediate family? Scott has also made comments about Kourtney’s weight. The Kardashians are upset because Scott is lazy and Kourtney pays for everything, and, according to a source, “The Kardashians pride themselves on hard work.” Hmm. We thought they prided themselves on sex tapes. An insider claims that Kourtney’s mom Kris thinks Kourtney should do a reality show about her life as a single mom. Lemons into lemonade! In the Bachelor story, people in his past say that he’s always been awkward around women and the mag notes that internet commenters think he is gay. Renée Zellweger was photographed from below, an excellent opportunity to speculate on her pregnancy with an arrow pointing to her abdomen and print the words “Is she showing?” (see image 8). Her rep denies she is pregnant. Probably because she isn’t. “They Weren’t Always So Hot” is an underminery spread featuring old pictures of Taylor Swift, Julia Roberts and Kate Winslet when they were younger (see image 9). Honestly? All of them were really cute, and snarking on kids’ appearances? Really? Next, this mag reveals that Brad Pitt texts Jennifer Aniston all the time. He never forgets her birthday, either — so he had a gift-wrapped book about architecture left at his production office for her to pick up. Also, we learned that Angelina and Jen are using their appearances with charitable organizations to one-up each other. Ryan Gosling is dating internet entrepreneur Hilary Rowland; a source says “it isn’t a romance yet, but they are friends and really seem to like each other.” Lastly, Madonna is “desperate” to hold on to Jesus, so she is “dressing like a teenager — and acting like one too.”
Grade: D- (courtroom sketch)

“Jake’s Mistake.”
The dude from The Bachelor might give this chick Vienna the final rose, and this would be a grave error, because people who knew her before she was on the show say “she’s a gold digger” and “she’s kind of a bitch.” Also, supposedly because her dad’s name is Vinnie and her mom is Tina, “that’s how they came up with Vienna.” City in Austria says what? And in case you care: Ali is the next Bachelorette. Moving on: Jon Gosselin has not seen his kids in a month, and Kate is helping him settle his lawsuit with TLC because she’d like for him to work: “She wants the kids to go to good colleges,” says a source. “Bikini Bod: Better Then Or Now?” is a 2-page spread that encourages the ubiquitous judging of women. Demi Moore looked better in 2002; Gwen Stefani looks better now than she did in 1989. A page called “Little Lovefest” is a photodocumentation of a playdate between Kingston Rossdale and Ruby Maguire. They’ve got somethin’ going on (see image 10)! In John Mayer news, sources say Jennifer Aniston is just letting the comments he uttered in Playboy “roll off her back,” while Jessica Simpson is “pissed” and thinks he’s an asshole. John texted Jess to apologize — 12 times — but she ignored them and is not speaking to him. Lastly: Kristin Cavallari from The Hills has been boozing it up and, at a Super Bowl party in Miami, she was “going around to everybody, asking for coke.” She’s been “chronically late” to Hills tapings and sometimes skips them entirely. A source says: “Her drug problem finally became an unavoidable conversation topic on film. If MTV uses the footage, it will be clear to everyone.” In addition, a nutritionist who does not treat Kristin speculates that she weighs 98 lbs.
Grade: D (political cartoon)

“Stabbed In The Heart.”
Jen is taking the John Mayer crap really personally, because she always stood up for John when her friends talked shit about him, but now she regrets it. John told Playboy he didn’t want to “pet dogs in the kitchen,” which is what Jen and John would do in the morning when he’d sleep over — she’d make him coffee and play with the dogs. Jen called John in a rage and asked him why he’d said those things — she told him he’d crossed a line and that she can’t trust him and they can never be friends. As for Jess, she just broke down and cried for hours after she found out. Moving on: Ed Westwick and Jessica Szohr were at a restaurant where she was drinking loads of sake when Ed said something about AnnaLynne McCord, like “she’s so hot.” Jessica “lost it” and started yelling at him. He yelled back that he was just kidding. Martha Stewart was flirting with a bunch of young male models at the Hermès store opening, and a witness says she was into one in particular and kept having her assistant take pictures of them together. When Martha was leaving, the assistant told the guy: “She’ll call you.” Blind item! “Which TV cutie is cold as ice off-screen? Insiders at her man’s NYC pad say she’s a total diva whenever she visits, avoiding eye contact and snapping at doormen for no reason. We’ve got news for her: That’s rude.” Tom Cruise’s 15-year-old son Connor has a huge crush on Tom’s Knight & Day costar Cameron Diaz and gets shy and nervous when she’s around. Spencer Pratt is planning to get plastic surgery — he wants lipo, chest implants and a nose job. Nick Cannon told Mariah Carey that she should go to rehab. A source says: “Mariah drinks champagne all day long. She always acts like she’s celebrating something, like, hey, it’s noon, let’s have a drink!” She’s a multi-millionaire with a young husband, what is the problem? If I had her money and shoe closet I’d be toasting all day too. Anyway, apparently Nick doesn’t drink and is tired of being her nursemaid; she says she’s a big girl but he always ends up having to take care of her. A source says she’s been drinking every day since New Year’s Eve. Lady Gaga “stole” her boyfriend, Matthew “Dada” Williams, from his longtime girlfriend, Erin Hirsh, with he has a 10-month-old son, Cairo. He’s an art director for the Haus Of Gaga and Gaga took him to the Grammys. But! A source says Gaga and Dada just work together. So. Lastly: The placement of NBC’s Parenthood ad on the bottom page of a two-page spread about eyebrows makes for an unfortunate unintended caption for Beyoncé (see image 11).
Grade: D+ (caricature with exaggerated features)

Life & Style
“Jen And Jessica’s Dirty Secrets.”
In case you haven’t heard, John Mayer said some unflattering things about Jess and Jen in his Playboy interview. Jessica will be doing a lot of press for her new VH1 series The Price Of Beauty, and a source says: “She knows she’ll be questioned about John again. If someone asks her about it, she will respond. That’s her revenge plan.” Here’s hoping she takes the high road. Next: Heidi Montag’s face is still swollen. A plastic surgeon who doesn’t treat her says: “Her face is just now starting to take shape, but we won’t know what it will look like for another six months.” It might be fuzzy and green! Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel have a “one-sided relationship.” She’s had at least six movie premieres since 2007 and he’s never been photographed with her at a single one. Plus, she signed on to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro for charity after he did, then he backed out and while she was on the mountain, he was at a hip-hop concert in Wyoming. “Is Gisele The Luckiest Mom Ever?” Here are the reasons she might be: “She didn’t need maternity clothes. She had a painless birth.” And! “She went back to work in 6½ weeks.” Finally: The next page is basically the most insane yet intriguing and hilarious thing we have ever seen in a weekly tabloid: For “Hollywood’s Kids In 2020” the magazine hired a forensic artist and used not just any technology, but “sophisticated age-progression computer technology” to imagine what celebrity kids will look like in ten years (see image 12). Future Shiloh Jolie-Pitt looks like DJ Tanner. Future Zahara Joli-Pitt’s nose, eyebrows and face shape are totally off! Kingston is apparently destined to have acne on his chin. Furture Suri Cruise looks pretty good, and why the Kardashian kid is there is beyond us. The whole page is like the craziest Missing Child poster ever created and the best thing in the tabloids this week. We’re planning on putting this thing in a time capsule so that in ten years we can compare and contrast!
Grade: C- (forensic illustration)

From Ok!

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