Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Margaret and I read In Touch, Star, Us, Ok! and Life & Style, searching for “news.” This week we found surreal, comedic entertainment: Forensic illustrations of the Jolie-Pitt kids in the year 2020!
Ok!
“Betrayed By John.”
First: Jessica Simpson was pissed off at John Mayer’s Playboy interview, and told someone: “I’m annoyed John would sink so low.” A source says she’s dying to confront him about it, but wants to get her thoughts together. For now, she’s venting to friends about how pissed she is. She called her sister, Ashlee Simpson-Wentz, who said something like, look on the bright side — at least he didn’t say you were bad in bed. Next: Ryan Gosling is dating Michelle Williams, according to a source, and they’ve been seeing each other for a couple of months. Since they’re costarring in the movie Blue Valentine, it could be that they’re seeing each other on the set — as coworkers. Finally: Katy Perry is pictured leaving the gym wearing an oversized T-shirt and the mag has an arrow pointing to her abdomen with the word “Bump?” (see image 7) Apparently last month she Tweeted that she wasn’t pregnant and wrote, “better luck next month, peepz.” The mag notes: “FYI: it’s next month.”
Grade: F (medical diagram)
In Touch
“Boyfriend From Hell.”
Apparently Kourtney Kardashian’s boyfriend Scott Disick flirts with other women. He’s always on the phone and texting and doesn’t want to have anything to do with the baby; when someone tries to hand him the baby, he won’t even put his phone down. But Kourtney can’t get rid of him, because he’s already signed on for the new season of Kourtney & Khloe Take Miami and he plays the villain. Much is made of Kourtney being a single mom — the mag makes it seem like she is all by herself with no one to help her, but aren’t there like fifty people in the immediate family? Scott has also made comments about Kourtney’s weight. The Kardashians are upset because Scott is lazy and Kourtney pays for everything, and, according to a source, “The Kardashians pride themselves on hard work.” Hmm. We thought they prided themselves on sex tapes. An insider claims that Kourtney’s mom Kris thinks Kourtney should do a reality show about her life as a single mom. Lemons into lemonade! In the Bachelor story, people in his past say that he’s always been awkward around women and the mag notes that internet commenters think he is gay. Renée Zellweger was photographed from below, an excellent opportunity to speculate on her pregnancy with an arrow pointing to her abdomen and print the words “Is she showing?” (see image 8). Her rep denies she is pregnant. Probably because she isn’t. “They Weren’t Always So Hot” is an underminery spread featuring old pictures of Taylor Swift, Julia Roberts and Kate Winslet when they were younger (see image 9). Honestly? All of them were really cute, and snarking on kids’ appearances? Really? Next, this mag reveals that Brad Pitt texts Jennifer Aniston all the time. He never forgets her birthday, either — so he had a gift-wrapped book about architecture left at his production office for her to pick up. Also, we learned that Angelina and Jen are using their appearances with charitable organizations to one-up each other. Ryan Gosling is dating internet entrepreneur Hilary Rowland; a source says “it isn’t a romance yet, but they are friends and really seem to like each other.” Lastly, Madonna is “desperate” to hold on to Jesus, so she is “dressing like a teenager — and acting like one too.”
Grade: D- (courtroom sketch)
Us
“Jake’s Mistake.”
The dude from The Bachelor might give this chick Vienna the final rose, and this would be a grave error, because people who knew her before she was on the show say “she’s a gold digger” and “she’s kind of a bitch.” Also, supposedly because her dad’s name is Vinnie and her mom is Tina, “that’s how they came up with Vienna.” City in Austria says what? And in case you care: Ali is the next Bachelorette. Moving on: Jon Gosselin has not seen his kids in a month, and Kate is helping him settle his lawsuit with TLC because she’d like for him to work: “She wants the kids to go to good colleges,” says a source. “Bikini Bod: Better Then Or Now?” is a 2-page spread that encourages the ubiquitous judging of women. Demi Moore looked better in 2002; Gwen Stefani looks better now than she did in 1989. A page called “Little Lovefest” is a photodocumentation of a playdate between Kingston Rossdale and Ruby Maguire. They’ve got somethin’ going on (see image 10)! In John Mayer news, sources say Jennifer Aniston is just letting the comments he uttered in Playboy “roll off her back,” while Jessica Simpson is “pissed” and thinks he’s an asshole. John texted Jess to apologize — 12 times — but she ignored them and is not speaking to him. Lastly: Kristin Cavallari from The Hills has been boozing it up and, at a Super Bowl party in Miami, she was “going around to everybody, asking for coke.” She’s been “chronically late” to Hills tapings and sometimes skips them entirely. A source says: “Her drug problem finally became an unavoidable conversation topic on film. If MTV uses the footage, it will be clear to everyone.” In addition, a nutritionist who does not treat Kristin speculates that she weighs 98 lbs.
Grade: D (political cartoon)