Animal Activist Barges Into Restaurant, Rants About Her Chicken Baby

Animal Rights activists may frequently be patently absurd, but some of them make for truly great entertainment. If you can make it through the above video without breaking up into hysterical wracked sobs of laughter, you are a far more stoic person than I.

In the video, which is titled (as if this wasn’t already hilarious enough) “#DisruptSpeciesism,” a woman named Kelly Atlas storms into a restaurant and asks all the patrons for their attention. She then proceeds to tell them about her “little girl, Snow,” who it soon becomes apparent is, in fact, a chicken. She relates through tears a somewhat disjointed story about rescuing Snow and “leaving her sisters behind,” which makes me think there was a poultry farmer who watched animal rights activists steal his chickens while they shouted about freeing the oppressed and he stood there with the world’s greatest “WTF” expression. OK, it probably didn’t happen like that, but please, let me dream.

“THIS ISN’T FOOD!” Kelly shrieks through tears towards the end, “IT’S VIOLENCE!” Then a cadre of like-minded people we all hope to God we never get stuck talking to at a party walk up and hold up signs proclaiming that “It’s Not Food, It’s Violence.” If they are to be believed, then violence tastes goddamned delicious.*

As far as I can tell, this isn’t elaborate performance art (and if it turns out to be, bra-fucking-vo to Kelly here) — she and those like her legitimately believe “speciesism” is a thing. Here’s a tweet from her:

Wow, just…wow.

It’s honestly hard for me to pick the moment in the video that makes me laugh that hardest here. Is it Kelly’s earnest expression throughout her completely bonkers rant? Is it the moment where she tells people “I can see you laughing” and just keeps plowing ahead? Is it the fact that numerous YouTube commenters (I know, I know) seem to be genuinely confused about whether she’s talking about a human baby? No, no: it’s definitely the Motown soundtrack coming through the restaurant’s speakers in the background throughout this entire video. It’s definitely that.

‘Scuse me, I suddenly feel an inexplicable need to go to a diner and go full Ron Swanson:

Personally, I think anyone who values animals over or equal to people is to be both pitied and backed away from slowly. This is not to say “vegans and vegetarians” — I have no issue with anyone choosing to eat however they want, and there’s nothing inherently good or bad about being a meat-eater or a vegan/vegetarian. As well, factory farming is a really shitty practice, and the way we do agribusiness hurts not only the economy and the environment, but smaller farmers. It’s a process that badly needs to change, and I can totally get behind any criticism of factory farming. Kelly Atlas and her loon brigade, however, aren’t protesting simple factory farming: they’re protesting the entire concept of eating animals, which, nope, bye. Animals aren’t people, and if you feel like judging me for eating them, I am going to laugh at you.

Despite that, to anyone about to unironically use “speciesism” in the comments here as they rail against my cruelty towards my dinner: I promise I won’t ban you. Seriously. It’ll be WAY more fun to highlight your comments so we can all have a good laugh.

* I’ve thought long and hard about how I would’ve reacted if I’d been one of those customers, and I’ve come to the conclusion that it almost certainly involves me shouting, “EXCUSE ME, GARCON, I WILL HAVE ALSO THE VEAL AND ANY FOIE GRAS YOU HAVE ON HAND.”

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