Feces Cake Prank Raises The Question: Is Poop A Carb?

Three former students of Avon Grove High School in West Chest, PA were sentenced Monday to 22 months of probation and 200 hours of community service for recklessly endangering another person and conspiracy after admitting to Judge William Mahon that they frosted a cake with feces and gave it to a classmate, whose family subsequently fell ill probably sometime after asking one another, “Does this cake taste like poop to you?”

With a keen sense of social justice, Judge Mahon ensured that the three fecal frosters, Mayra Flores, 19, Ana Mireles, 18, and Sandra Ortiz, 18, would spend their 200 hours of community service cleaning senior citizen bathrooms and picking up dog poop in the local park, which punishment seems initially hilarious and appropriate except when you consider that, in the same way that some social crusaders claim that prison only “hardens” criminals, being around so much human waste might only make these girls more effective biological terrorists. Didn’t think about that, did we Judge Mahon?

The girl who accepted the cake on her March 23 birthday got her first clue that something might have been up when her friends presented her with the cake and insisted, while stoically maintaining straight faces, that she try a piece in front of them, which she did before doing what most people do when they don’t want a terrible homemade baked good — foisting it off on unwitting family members. The girl’s family, in apparent ignorance of the sniff test, agreed after a few bites that the cake was gross and the girl returned to school the next day, where Assistant Principal Christopher Matsanka, after no doubt a long ‘this is your life, Christopher’ look in the mirror, called the state police and compelled the offending confectioners to turn in written confessions that they intentionally smeared human feces on a birthday cake. The real tragedy in all this, of course, is that the poor birthday girl will probably never be able to eat cake with quite the same enthusiasm again and thus faces the prospect of an entire life sapped of the full, transcendent joy of birthday cake.

(And as for the carbohydrate question: Given that feces is what’s left after our body absorbs foods’ nutrients, we’re thinking that poop is carb-free. South Beach and Atkins dieters, take note.)