Miley's 'Jweats' and Other Ways to Prove That You CAN Have It All

By Callie Beusman | June 14, 2013 | 10:30pm

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For decades, we as a society have been asking ourselves, “Can women really have it all?” Under patriarchy, in which women are compelled to inhabit rigid and limiting roles, is it possible to choose both halves of the false dichotomy (breadwinner or homemaker; saint or slut; smart or sexy; etc)? Is the very desire for “it all” just an illusion? Well, guess what, ladies: having it all is real, and we no longer have to choose. Who says so? Miley Cyrus and her puzzling jean-sweatpants (herein referred to as “jweats”), that’s who.

This is the Philosophy Of The “Jweat”: I refuse to choose between being “urban”/cool/contempo-casual and being perhaps inappropriately comfortable. Like, seriously, I am at a Myspace party. Tom probably didn’t even dress up. I can do whatever I want. One of my legs will be sheathed in the finest denim, while the other will be rest comfortably in a cloud of fleece. I am a proud woman. I can have it all.

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As a proud woman capable of having it all, the entire world should be your own personal Myspace party. Here’s a list of hypothetical products I’ve concocted, all of which would exist in an ideal society in order to truly facilitate the having of all things:

A Magazine that is Half OK!, Half the New Yorker. It is called the new yOrK!er, for obvious reasons:

Some of the biggest bullshit on the planet is that you’re supposed to pretend to sneer at tabloids if you’re an “intellectual” woman* — at very best, you’re permitted to take an ironic interest in them, making a remark like, “Oh, this is garbage; can you believe that people actually care about Zac Efron’s quest for a threesome?” while internally frothing at the mouth with glee. Alternatively, if you are Paris Hilton on The O.C., you have to keep that fact that you’re writing your thesis on Pynchon a secret.

The new yOrK!er allows you to mix your thirst for celebrity gossip with your quest for intellectual betterment. You can read it on the subway with pride. Strangers will turn to you smugly and say, “Oh, that was such a great issue. I loved Annie Proulx’s take on the best beach bodies of 2013.”

*In the immortal words of Andrea Dworkin, “While gossip among women is universally ridiculed as low and trivial, gossip among men, especially if it is about women, is called theory, or idea, or fact.”

An Appliance that is Half Slow Cooker, Half Cauldron:

No longer will you need a separate appliance for being a wonderful chef who bequeaths upon her family lovingly-prepared wholesome stews and for making potions out of virgin’s tears with your local coven.

A Whip-Like Object that is Half Cat Toy, Half BDSM Implement

Remember when Peggy from Mad Men got a cat and the entire universe was like, “THAT’S IT FOR HER; SHE IS NOW A CAT LADY FOREVER; R.I.P. PEGGY’S LOVE LIFE; R.I.P. SEX”? Fuck that! This weird little object will permit you to combine the archetype of the sexless, lonely cat woman with that of the sexually-progressive master of kink.

Also, the tag line could literally be, “Put the ‘OW!’ back in ‘MEOW!'” You are all welcome.

Half Brazilian Waxes

People love telling women what to do with their pubic hair. It’s a fact about humanity.

It’s therefore tough to be a feminist in possession of a vagina, because some people are all, “It’s sex-positive, plus fun ‘n flirty, to get a Brazilian wax!”, whereas other people maintain that it’s pedophilic, based on pornographic standards, regressive, etc. The half-Brazilian eliminates the need for this debate altogether.

A “Having it All” Cookbook

This is just a copy of “It’s All Good” by Gwyneth Paltrow but the second half has been removed and replaced with a box of frozen mac n cheese.

This is just a jumping-off point for my future multi-million-dollar empire. Feel free to share your own suggestions in the comments, and I will patent them and profit.

Images via Getty.