Sarah Palin's Gory Childhood Photos Make Great Cookbook

By Anna North | February 16, 2010 | 8:00pm

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We finally bought a copy of the unauthorized Sarah Palin magazine (it was $9!), and we discovered that she can indeed save America … by teaching even our smallest children how to dress wild game. After the jump, delicious recipes!

Sarah Palin: The Untold Story purports to offer faith, family, and freedom, but we think a better description would be “food, fun, and fierce animals.” Fierce, that is, until they’re dead.

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Extrapolating from some previously unseen photos, we’ve developed tasty treats to help you and your family rid the wilderness of troublesome native species. Let’s take a look! (Click on images to enlarge to full size)

Killing Technique
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Before you get cooking, it’s important to know how you’ll wrench the unsuspecting animal from this life. The best method — especially for children — is with your bare hands. Whether it’s moose, elk, wolf, or even grizzly and brown bear, meat just tastes better if you know it comes from a corpse throttled by a small child. You could provide your kid with some wrist guards and a face mask, but why bother? Little Sarah’s arm had obviously been gored by some beast in this picture, and look how happy she is!

Bear Eyeball Salad
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The accompanying copy for this photo told us that Palin’s dad once asked her to hold a bear’s “warm eyeballs.” She said, “No, Dad, I just can’t do that one.” We bet your family can do better! First, set your children upon a grizzly bear. It may take several of them to subdue her, especially if they are young. If your children have a helicopter, the process will be quicker. Once she’s dead, position her on your family’s “blood stump” until she is sufficiently drained of fluid. This is a good time to take photographs. Next, skin the bear. (Save the skin — the head makes a great party hat.) Now the fun part: have your children root out the eyeballs and slice them thinly. If they balk, just ask them if they want to be tougher than Sarah Palin — that should get them going. Serve the eyeball slices with butter lettuce and a warm raspberry vinaigrette. Serves 6, depending on how much you like eyeballs.

Fish-in-a-Box
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Kind of like pigs-in-a-blanket! First, catch a bunch of fish. Lay them on top of each other in such a way that they look especially bloody and dead. Serve in a cardboard box.

Note: Picky eaters, like Palin’s sister (right) may object to the appearance of Fish-in-a-Box. Try telling them the blood is tomato sauce!

Caribou Skull Soup
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Just like pumpkin soup, this soup is made right in a caribou skull. First, slaughter the caribou, decapitate it, and scoop out its brain. Warning: only children seven and over should attempt this. Don’t remove the antlers — they add to the presentation! Instead, simply fill the skull with a mixture of caribou meat, chicken broth, and fresh herbs, and simmer over a roaring fire for several hours. Garnish with a little Parmigiano-Reggiano. Serving suggestion: provide step-stools so your children can reach the cranium. Afterward, it makes a great conversation piece.

Bird Cake

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Are your kids tired of the usual chocolate, carrot, or yellow cake options? For their next birthday, why not try something a little more festive? Slaughter a few wild fowl of your choice and have the birthday girl/boy pluck and butcher them. A few scented candles will help with the smell. Next, chop the carcasses finely, fold in egg whites, flour, butter, and a little cinnamon, and bake at 350 degrees for 45 minutes, or until a toothpick stuck into the cake comes out blood-free. Allow to cool, then top with buttercream frosting, and, if desired, a few candied rose petals. Don’t forget to make a wish!