The Updated Veepstakes Power Rankings

Kamala Harris' white boy summer is getting serious. 

By Kylie Cheung  |  July 29, 2024 | 12:45pm
Photos: Getty Images Politics
The Updated Veepstakes Power Rankings

I hope you’re holding on to your coconuts, because there’s been serious movement in the race to join Vice President and Democratic presumptive nominee Kamala Harris’ ticket as her running mate and I’m here to walk you through all of it. Last week, we zeroed in on top veepstakes contestants Kentucky Gov. Andy Beshear, Illinois Gov. J.B. Pritzker, Pennsylvania Gov. Josh Shapiro, North Carolina Gov. Roy Cooper, Arizona Sen. Mark Kelly, Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg, and Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz. As of the weekend, there are reports that Harris’ campaign is most seriously considering Kelly, Shapiro, and Walz. Walz, especially, has quickly surged to the top of progressives’ wishlists (more on that shortly). That said, the Harris campaign is still reportedly performing in-depth background checks into Pritzker, Cooper, Beshear, and even Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer, who’s said point-blank that she’s staying put in Michigan. Harris is set to select a VP by August 7.

As someone who exclusively watches cable news when I’m staying with my retired parents, I can tell you one thing: It’s never been a more interesting time to tune in. Every morning and every evening, one of these fairly unremarkable white men is on, filming something like a VP audition tape yapping up a storm about how bad Trump is, how good Harris is, and what they’ve learned from governing their humble Midwestern swing state. Or, in Walz’s case, gaining attention and even influence among the Harris campaign by making the simple, lethal case that Trump and J.D. Vance are just plain weird.

Speaking of Trump-Vance, just two weeks into Vance’s time on the ticket, it’s possible things could not be going any worse. Vance’s approval ratings keep hitting record lows, and every other day there’s a new headline attaching his name to some new, shockingly specific sexual fetish. Every time he opens his mouth, he embarrasses himself—and, by proxy, Trump—even more. Case in point: The man can’t even film a half-decent $5 donation video, the baseline, bread-and-butter of a political campaign. 

With Vance’s weakness comes a real opportunity for Harris to run away with the damn thing if she picks the right wingman. In other words, her white boy summer is heating up, and we’ve got the updated veepstakes power rankings for you…

Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz

Allow me to introduce you to Walz-mentum. Last week, I made the embarrassing mistake of writing the fun, folksy Midwestern governor off, allotting him a meager 2.5-out-of-5 coconut rating and arguing that “he probably wouldn’t bring a whole lot of excitement and energy to the ticket.” Welp, I’ll say it: I was wrong! In the subsequent days, Walz made a string of widely lauded, surprisingly fun cable news appearances, writing off Trump and his (allegedly) couch-fucking, childbearing-obsessed veep as a couple of creeps, and following up with his cable appearances by being very good online. On Thursday, for instance, he quote-tweeted a bizarre clip of a Trump speech in which the former president went off on a tangent about “the late great Hannibal Lechter” (?) with a simple, biting: “Say it with me: Weird.” 

His other posts have charmingly conceded that he looks much, much older than Harris despite how they’re both 60. He also fondly recounted his time as a high school principal, explaining how the stress led to early onset hair loss. Speaking of his relationship with schools: Among numerous progressive achievements, particularly around gun safety, labor, and abortion, Walz has also signed legislation guaranteeing universal free school meals across the state. His digital footprint, featuring a frankly adorable vlog of him and his teenage daughter at the state fair in 2023, has only further endeared him to the masses. In a matter of days, he’s become a progressive darling, and if Harris wants to appeal to a key base that was largely alienated by Biden, Walz could be a wise choice. As for Walz’s standing with the Harris campaign, it speaks for itself that Harris’ team is suddenly, aggressively leaning into the narrative that Trump, Vance, and Republicans broadly are extremely-fucking-weird. And honestly, good strategy! 

The only downside I can really think of is that Republicans will inevitably hit him on being governor of Minnesota at the height of the powerful Black Lives Matter protests following the murder of George Floyd. But in a rational world, that should be pretty easily countered by Harris’ record in law enforcement and all of Trump’s felony convictions. So, there’s that!

Rating: 4.5 out of 5 coconuts

North Carolina Gov. Roy Cooper

I maintain that Cooper wouldn’t be the most exciting choice, but I’m moving him up in the veepstakes power rankings nonetheless because the latest polling out of Georgia and his state of North Carolina is looking surprisingly promising. And, sure, Cooper isn’t the most exciting slice of white bread, but when his Republican counter is an alleged couch-fucking sex freak, all Harris really needs from a veep is someone a little less unappealing than that, sooo…

Rating: 3 out of 5 coconuts

Illinois Gov. J.B. Pritzker

Even though Pritzker reportedly isn’t among Harris’ top three white boys, I maintain he’d be a strong choice. He’s well-liked, he comes across as a good hang (case in point: please peruse these posts he recently shared of himself walking around the city eating hot dogs), and he’s good on TV. Last week he also secured an investment of more than $1 billion in quantum computing, which is beyond my level of technological expertise as someone who barely knows how to update my iPhone, but is apparently quite cool! Still, while Pritzker has the poster community down pat, he needs to make a case for how he could expand the Democratic base, help secure the famous Blue Wall, and come up with a message as clear and convincing as Walz’s “They’re weird.” His whole “being a billionaire” thing could also be a liability.

Rating: 3 out of 5 coconuts

Kentucky Gov. Andy Beshear

I’m still convinced Beshear would be an excellent choice. But he’s lost some momentum in the last week. Beshear’s star surged shortly after he came out swinging with a strong message about how Vance doesn’t truly represent Appalachia. But then, Walz’s “they’re weird!” message proved far more salient, significantly eclipsing Beshear’s big cable news moment. Beshear still has a great record, has proven he can win a deep-red state, and is young and charismatic on top of all that. He’s also termed out and can’t run again, so it wouldn’t be a huge loss for Democrats for him to leave Kentucky. But this loss of momentum could hurt. I’d say it’s incumbent that he get in front of a camera and draw some attention to himself stat if he really wants this thing.

Rating: 3 out of 5 coconuts

Arizona Sen. Mark Kelly

Mark Kelly will always be a literal astronaut (and with an identical twin, which makes him doubly cool), so you can never really count him out, but ever since he emerged as a top name in the veepstakes, unions have come out pretty strong against the senator for his history of opposing the pro-labor PRO Act. Kelly has since changed his tune on this, but it remains a problem that he opposed the bill at all. It also remains a problem that, in vacating his Senate seat, sure, Arizona’s Democratic governor could replace him with another Democrat—but it could be an uphill battle to find someone who could win state-wide twice as Kelly has. Nor does it help Kelly’s case that his Game of Thrones opinions are awful and objectively incorrect. Nonetheless, winning Arizona could help Harris win the presidency, so, again: Don’t count him out.

Rating: 2.5 out of 5 coconuts

Pennsylvania Gov. Josh Shapiro

In tandem with Walz’s meteoric rise this week, and amid pretty unsettling speculation about how Shapiro handled workplace sexual misconduct in his office last year, Shapiro’s star has fallen significantly. Specifically, Shapiro allegedly helped cover up a case of harassment perpetrated by one of his senior staffers in his office, and this is precisely the sort of baggage that could really weigh down Harris’ strong women’s rights angle. Shapiro also incurred sharp criticism for his support for charter schools and his harshness toward pro-Palestine student protesters in the spring. Not only are all of these pretty major liabilities but from a vibes-based perspective—which is incredibly important in politics—key progressive bases that Harris would rely on to win have made it very clear that they do not like this man. Harris has a lot of momentum right now, mostly because that’s just how unpopular Biden was/is—picking Shapiro when young people and progressives seem pretty excited over candidates like Walz, Beshear, and Pritzker would be one way to throw all of that goodwill to the wayside. (I highly recommend this New Republic story, “The One Vice Presidential Pick Who Could Ruin Democratic Unity.”)

The one thing I’ll give Shapiro: Pennsylvania is a must-win state, and Shapiro won it. The Democratic establishment also clearly sees something in this man, and sadly, Harris is more likely to listen to them than Jezebel dot com.

Rating: 1.5 out of 5 coconuts

Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg

Surprising absolutely no one, sources close to Buttigieg say the political wunderkind is desperate to be Harris’ pick—but like the rest of us, his camp recognizes it’s unlikely. Buttigieg doesn’t really expand Harris’ base… at all, nor does he have real governing experience. Still, I wouldn’t write him off entirely—he’s a great speaker; he’s been a strong surrogate for the Biden-Harris, now Harris, campaign; and crazier veeps (read: J.D. Vance) have been chosen, so who the hell knows!

Rating: 1.5 out of 5 coconuts

As I wrote last week, whoever Harris taps as veep, they didn’t fall out of a coconut tree, but rather, they exist in the context of all in which we live and what came before us (ie. the electoral college and highly fickle identity politics). But as Walz’s case demonstrates, a strong message and savvy media chops are one way to climb the power rankings—and things can change very, very quickly.

 
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