Venomous Snake Missing From Bronx Zoo

A deadly Egyptian cobra has escaped from its cage (god, did I ever want to type “lair” right there. Snake houses should be called “lairs,” right? It seems almost disrespectful to apply the term “cage,” which is where a hamster or a rabbit lives, to where a deadly Egyptian cobra lives. But I digress) at the Bronx Zoo, prompting the Zoo’s reptile house’s closing until further notice.

Prevailing theories of the snake’s fate include:
– Carmen Sandiego took him and now some kids on a PBS game show need to find him using logic, trivia, and an all-men’s a cappella group
– It’s in your toilet, right now
– He was spirited away by the ghost of Elizabeth Taylor, an inaccurate Cleopatra taking an inaccurate snake with her into the afterlife.

Seen leaving the scene was a man who looked a lot like Samuel L. Jackson, muttering something about being “tired of all these motherfucking snakes in all these motherfucking zoos.”