Watch What Happens When Two Dementors Meet (Live)

It is said that a kiss from a dementor is a sentence worse than death, the receiver becoming a “shell of a person” doomed to wander the mortal coil for the rest of its days—free from sadness, yes, but also barred from joy, from excitement, from contentment. Teach that shell of a person how to make bad spicy margaritas and he becomes Vanderpump Rules’ Jax Taylor. Teach it how to feign congeniality and he becomes Southern Charm’s Shep Rose. (When a dementor kisses another dementor, you get Andy Cohen.)

That both Jax and Shep appeared on Watch What Happens Live on Monday night and a hole did not open in the floor to swallow us whole feels nothing short of amazing. How could two men with nary a spark of life behind their eyes sustain a conversation for a whole 20 minutes? During the commercial break, did they both power down and stare solidly into space without blinking? Or did they merely hatch a plan to go on a murder spree in the hopes that they might feel something—anything—but an insatiable hunger and the constant pounding of blood in their ears?

Yes, take romantic advice from these two men whose hearts solely beat for the pretense of it. Watch them scorn that tragic ghoul, Scheana, with her terrible feelings and severe highlighting. Watch them and feel terror to your core because you know that these two men are somehow not the worst men of their small-but-utterly compelling universe. That title belongs to Patrick:

And yes, Shep. I still would.