If you heard an annoying buzzing noise in your ear last week, it’s probably because Mark Zuckerberg was crawling up to the White House to beg President Trump to settle the Federal Trade Commission’s antitrust lawsuit against Meta and avoid their upcoming trial. Nothing says “masculine energy” like lobbying a 78-year-old fascist to protect your trillion-dollar social media company, eh?
Under the old rules of Washington, a pullback on the case shouldn’t even be possible. The FTC has a long history of operating independently of the White House. But when Trump fired the agency’s two Democratic commissioners last month, he cleared the way for the FTC’s remaining two Republicans to withdraw the Meta case or enter into a settlement at his request.
In 2020, the FTC sued Meta, alleging that they violated antitrust laws by killing competition through their purchase of start-ups Instagram and WhatsApp. As of today, the trial is scheduled for April 14. If Meta loses, they could be forced to sell Instagram and WhatsApp, which, I imagine, Zuckerberg would consider a very un-masculine-energy move.
In addition to Zuckerberg’s little D.C. trips, Meta donated $1 million to Trump’s inaugural fund and Zuck visited Mar-a-Lago twice after Trump was elected in November. He also got rid of the company’s “politically biased” fact-checking program, forced his content moderators to move to an abortion-banned state, and, in August, apologized for previously removing fake news about covid from the platform. If he goes any further up Trump’s ass, he’ll have to bunk with Elon Musk.
However, in March, the FTC’s chairman, Andrew Ferguson, told Bloomberg that the agency is “gearing up” for trial. “We’ve got some of the FTC’s best lawyers on it, and we’re getting ready to go,” he said. “This trial has been five years in the making.”
Politico further reported on Monday that the FTC almost never abandons an antitrust suit, but that former officials consider Zuck’s visits to be “worrisome.” Meanwhile, the GOP is split. Idiots like Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) and Rep. Jim Jordan (R-Ohio) love that Zuck has bent the knee to Trump and Republicans, while other idiots like Sen. Josh Hawley (R-Mo.)—who’s long supported breaking up Meta—are questioning if Trump could even order Ferguson to call off the trial.
The stock markets are crashing, the tariffs are tarrifing, and Trump is in the Oval Office claiming that the Nazis were kind, but I guess it’s comforting to know that, no matter what happens next, our country’s whiniest little bitch will never stop whining.
