Happy (lol) 100 days of Donald Trump’s second presidential term. If you had asked me on January 20 what I thought Trump’s first 100 days would entail, I might, might have said that he’d launch an international trade war and that JD Vance would kill Pope Francis—but that’s probably it. I feel silly admitting this now, but I definitely suspected he would take more than 100 days—maybe even up to a year—before launching a full-blown attack against the press, the courts, college students, judges, freedom of speech, due process, universities, science, the Constitution, and Americans who aren’t billionaires.
So I’m bummed we didn’t top off inauguration night with a list of predictions for his first 100 days, since I think we could all use a good laugh right now over just how wrong we were. But I’ll be sure that Jezebel never makes that mistake again. Below, please find our 21 predictions for Trump’s next 100 days in office. I’d say some of them are a little insane or cooky but, he’s deported a man to a foreign prison by mistake and is refusing to bring him back and his defense secretary used a texting app to share war crimes with half of Trump’s cabinet and a journalist—what even is insane anymore?
In any case, please join in on the fun and add your own predictions in the comments. And to the lawyers of the Trump administration, please note that this is HUMOR, and Jezebel wishes no ill will on anyone.
- Pete Hegseth accidentally reveals the U.S.’s plan to attack France on WhatsApp.
- Elon Musk acknowledges his 27th child.
- Trump makes it illegal to not own a Tesla.
- Eggs start selling for $345 an egg on the black market.
- Trump debuts a new “Pledge of Allegiance”—now with two lines about groceries.
- Karoline Leavitt brings an AR-15 into the White House Briefing Room.
- Trump officially makes abortion illegal, as well as birth control, Plan B, condoms, and men being virgins after age 16.
- There’s no ceasefire in Gaza, but five giant neon signs that read “Trump Riviera” pop up across the region. They each have a button you can press to receive either a casino chip or a voucher for one free appetizer.
- Jeff Bezos shuts down the Washington Post for reporting on “Trump Riviera” signs and sets up an AI newsroom in outer space.
- Trump turns the empty U.S. ports into water parks; MAGA withdraws their 401ks to go visit.
- Barron Trump launches a podcast. Joe Rogan dies under mysterious circumstances one week later.
- Kristi Noem trademarks “ICE Barbie,” launches a merch line.
- Every Supreme Court judge goes missing, except for Clarence Thomas, who’s spotted on Harlow Crowe’s superyacht in international waters.
- Trump has a press conference with Putin and pees his pants out of excitement. MAGA then spends the next six weeks peeing their pants in public.
- After that passes, Trump gets so upset with people saying that he still hasn’t ended the Russia-Ukraine war that he has Hegseth randomly select a handful of countries and starts three more wars. This is in addition to the U.S.’s plan to attack France.
- DOGE eliminates every department that has an “i” or an “e” in its name.
- Melania deports herself to the island inhabited only by penguins.
- Stephen Miller throws a tantrum so seismic that it triggers the Big One in California.
- Unfortunately, Trump had FEMA eliminated on Day 127, so now the West Coast is just…gone.
- The economy begins to collapse in on itself due to the loss of California’s agricultural products. Trump blames it on AOC…even though she resigned from Congress and fled the country on Day 121.
- After Vance’s next meeting in the Oval Office, the ceiling collapses on Trump. Trump dies, and Vance becomes president. Three days later, a sinkhole opens up in the middle of the country and swallows the bulk of the United States whole. The only survivor is Vance, but no country will allow him to emigrate, so he’s forced to live the rest of his days in a tent near the Mexican border and nearby towns report that, on calm, clear nights, you can see him wearing a Trump 2028 hat and screaming at the moon about how Zelensky still has yet to say thank you.
We’ll see you back here to mark Trump’s first 200 days—if we make it until then.
GET JEZEBEL RIGHT IN YOUR INBOX
Still here. Still without airbrushing. Still with teeth.
