Trump Assembles His White House of Horrors

Two days after Donald Trump was elected he named Susie Wiles, his campaign manager, as White House chief of staff. There’s since been a lot written about the “Ice Maiden” and her role in trying to reign in some of Trump’s antics, rhetoric, racism—whatever you want to call his behavior. But there’s one thing I can’t stop thinking about.

“The clown car can’t come into the White House at will,” a source told CNN of Wiles’ conditions before she accepted the job. “And he agrees with her.”

This brings us to Trump’s White House Cabinet. Over the last week, he’s been dropping his nominations for the top positions at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. But, as far as I can tell, and if everyone gets confirmed by the Senate, the incoming cabinet will be overflowing with clowns. In fact, it seems like Trump’s only prerequisite is that his nominee has zero experience in the department he’s nominated them to lead. As long as you’ve donated to Trump, defended Trump, stuck up for Trump, sucked up to Trump, or (allegedly) sexually assaulted someone, then it seems you’ve got yourself a shot at a big-time cabinet position.

So maybe Wiles needs to take a second look at her contract—or maybe there’s another level of “GOP clown” that we’ve yet to encounter. *shudders*

We’ve listed all Trump picks below, organized them alphabetically, and will continue to update as more are named and/or confirmed. We also chose not to include photos because we’ll be seeing more than enough of their clown faces over the next few years. *throws up*

Doug Burgum: Secretary of Interior

Nickname: Who?

Current Gig: Governor of North Dakota.

Senate Confirmation?: Yes.

Notable Quote: In 2023, NBC’s Meet the Press asked Burgum if he “would ever do business with Donald Trump.” His response? “I don’t think so. I just think that it’s important that you’re judged by the company you keep and, no I wouldn’t.”

No-So-Fun Fun Facts: While running for the GOP presidential nomination and trying to get 40,000 donors so he could get on the debate stage, Burgum offered $20 gift cards to anyone who gave him at least $1; sold his software company to Microsoft for $1.1 billion in 2002; and signed one of the strictest abortion bans in the U.S. (that a judge blocked in September).

Tulsi Gabbard: National Intelligence Director

Nickname: “Russian asset.”

Current Gig: Unclear.

Senate Confirmation?: Yes.

Notable Quote: “Hey @realdonaldtrump: being Saudi Arabia’s bitch is not “America First.” – Gabbard tweet from 2018.

Not-So-Fun Fun Facts: Famously endorsed Florida’s “Don’t Say Gay” bill and then left the Democratic Party because it’s “driven by cowardly wokeness” and run by an “elitist cabal of warmongers”; has ties to a cult, the Science of Identity Foundation (SIF), and previously called the leader, Chris Butler, her “guru”; and has also been accused of pushing Russian propaganda!

UPDATE 11/21/2024: Gaetz has withdrawn his name for consideration, writing in a statement that it was “clear that my confirmation was unfairly becoming a distraction to the critical work of the Trump/Vance Transition.” CNN reports that Gaetz made the move 45 minutes after the outlet called him for comment on their story that he had a second encounter with the 17-year-old. We’re going to leave his not-so-fun fun facts here anyway. 

Matt Gaetz: Attorney General

Nickname: “Rapey McForehead.”

Current Gig: Representative from Florida until he resigned on November 13, after Trump nominated him for AG, and before the House Ethics Committee could release its report into his sex trafficking allegations.

Senate Confirmation?: Yes.

Notable Quote: “Why is it that the women with the least likelihood of getting pregnant are the ones most worried about having abortions? Nobody wants to impregnate you if you look like a thumb.” – while making fun of a teen abortion rights activist, Olivia Julianna, to a group of young Republicans in 2022. (Julianna raised $50,000 off his comments for an abortion fund.)

Not-So-Fun Fun Facts: Where do we begin? Gaetz has been investigated for sex trafficking; used the House floor to show fellow Congress members videos of women he’s had sex with; invited a Holocaust denier to the State of the Union in 2018; and was the only member of Congress to vote against an anti-sex trafficking bill in 2017. He claimed that, while he agreed with the bill, it represented “mission creep,” aka, it was too “Big Government” for him. And actually, while defending his vote on a Facebook Live from his parent’s living room, he said: “If anything, we should be abolishing a lot of the agencies at the federal level like the Department of Education, like the EPA and sending that power back to our state governments.”

Pete Hegseth: Secretary of Defense

Nickname: Personally, I call him, “gross.”

Current Gig: Author, I guess? He’s also a military vet and has been a Fox News host since 2014, co-hosting the weekend Fox & Friends from 2017 to 2024.

Senate Confirmation?: Yes.

Notable Quote: “I’m straight up just saying we should not have women in combat roles.” – while talking about his new book, The War on Warriors, on the The Shawn Ryan Show on November 7.

Not-So-Fun Fun Facts: In 2020, he reportedly paid a woman to sign a non-disclosure agreement after she accused him of rape in 2017; he criticized injured veterans for getting government assistance on Fox News in 2019; and he loves waterboarding and hates the Geneva Conventions.

Hegseth also has “Deus Vult” tattooed on his bicep, which means “God Wills It” and was the motto for Christian Crusaders in the 11th century—but it’s also a motto used by white nationalists. Hegseth was banned from securing Biden’s inauguration after a member of his National Guard unit alerted leadership to the tattoo.

Tom Homan: “Border Czar”

Nickname: “Border Czar.”

Former Gig: Visiting Fellow at The Heritage Foundation. (He was a contributor to Project 2025.)

Senate Confirmation?: No.

Notable Quote: “These millions of people that are released into sanctuary cities across this country who will be counted in the next census, which means what? More seats in the House for the Dems. They’ll own the House forever. This is what they want. They sold this country out for future political power. And to me, that’s treasonous. There’s no other excuse for it.” – Homan on the “Great Replacement Theory” during a speech in October at the Rod of Iron Freedom Festival, which is a three-day event in Pennsylvania run by “a far-right gun sect that worships AR-15s,” according to Wired.

Not-So-Fun Fun Facts: Homan served as the head of the Immigration and Customs Enforcement’s deportation branch for Obama beginning in 2013; Obama awarded him with the Distinguished Presidential Rank Award in 2015, so we can also blame the Democrats for Homan, I guess.

Steven Cheung: Communications Director

Nickname: “My sumo wrestler.” – Trump

Current Gig: Communications director for the Trump campaign. He also worked as the UFC spokesperson before joining Trump in 2016.

Senate Confirmation?: Yes.

Notable Quote: Unfortunately, this is one of those Trump’s appointees who both Republicans and Democrats agree is really, really good at their job. And, unfortunately, he can craft a really fucking good insult.

“He can barely put two coherent sentences together and slowly shuffles around like he has a full diaper in his pants, often falling on his a** in front of the world.” – in a statement about Joe Biden to Forbes.

“Ron DeSanctimonious is acting more like a thirsty, third-rate OnlyFans wannabe model than an actual presidential candidate,” Cheung said in a press release, predicting that DeSantis would “flail his arms and bobble his head wildly, looking more like a San Francisco crackhead than the governor of Florida.” – in a press release before DeSantis and California Gov. Gavin Newsom debated on Fox News in November 2023.

Not-So-Fun Fun Facts: Well, he is the first Asian-American to hold this position but, similar to Susie Wiles being the first female chief of staff, that milestone gets canceled out by the fact that he helped get Trump elected in the first place.

Robert F Kennedy Jr.: Secretary of Health & Human Services

Nickname: Anti-vaxxer and conspiracy theorist.

Current Gig: Telling people that vaccines are fake. (For the record, he says he is not anti-vaccine.) Once upon a time, though, he was considered a great environmental lawyer.

Senate Confirmation?: Yes.

Notable Quote: “Listen, I have said this from the beginning. I am not a church boy. I had a very, very rambunctious youth. I said in my announcement speech that I have so many skeletons in my closet that if they could all vote, I could run for king of the world.” – while appearing on the Breaking Points podcast in July, in response to allegations that he once sexually assaulted one of his kids’ babysitters.

Not-So-Fun Fun Facts: Once called Trump supporters “belligerent idiots,” “outright Nazis,” “cowards” and “bootlickers”; killed a bear cub and dumped it in Central Park; used a chainsaw to chop off the head of a dead whale he found on the beach while vacationing with his family; tried to get his first wife diagnosed as mentally ill because she was miserable after he kept cheating on her; had a parasitic brain worm in the United States of America in the year 2012.

Karoline Leavitt: Press Secretary

Nickname: A politics reporter in New Hampshire tweeted that some people in the state called her KKKAroline.

Former Gig: Trump campaign spokesperson. Also ran for Congress in New Hampshire in 2022, and once served as communications director for Rep. Elise Stefanik (R-NY).

Senate Confirmation?: No.

Notable Quote: “Joe Biden and the Democrats support aborting an unborn baby up until the moment of birth. Many democrats also express abortion beyond that state, after the child is born and laying on the hospital bed. That is infanticide, that is execution, as President Trump called it in his statement.” –speaking on behalf of the Trump campaign on Newsmax in April.

Not-So-Fun Fun Facts: She is the youngest person to ever hold this role but again, this is not impressive when you’re just a mouthpiece for a wannabe dictator. 

William McGinley: White House counsel

Nickname: Possibly none.

Current Gig: Partner at a DC law firm and also worked as White House cabinet secretary during Trump’s first term.

Senate Confirmation?: No.

Notable Quote: I’ve watched like three hours of interviews with him and he just consistently defends Trump, but in a very boring “college argumentative essay” kind of way.

Not-So-Fun Fun Facts: His specialty appears to be defending politicians accused of ethics violations: He previously represented Rep. Michael Grimm in his 20-count federal indictment and former Republican Illinois Rep. Aaron Schock during his theft of government funds case.

Linda McMahon: Secretary of Education

Nickname: Unclear, but my biggest question is what exactly Trump will have McMahon do, since he says he wants to get rid of the Department of Education, due to it being filled with “radicals, zealots, and Marxists.”

Current Gig: Founded WWE; had two failed Senate campaigns in Connecticut; served as leader of the Small Business Administration during Trump’s first term; and then chaired Trump’s America First Action PAC in 2019, as well as the America First Policy Institute, which advocates against DEI education.

Senate Confirmation?: Yes.

Notable Quote: “I think that any woman who is elected to the highest office in the land would clearly have positive role model effects for other young women.” – during an interview with Katie Couric on Yahoo in 2016. 

Not-So-Fun Fun Facts: In October, McMahon and her husband, Vince (though they’re currently separated), were both named in a sexual abuse lawsuit filed by five John Does who served as WWE “ring boys” in the ’70s, ’80, and ’90s. The suit claims that the McMahons turned a blind eye to the “open, rampant” abuse of young boys by WWE officials. Also, in 2022, the Wall Street Journal reported that her husband paid over $12 million in hush money to four women over 16 years to cover up allegations of infidelity and sexual misconduct.

Stephen Miller: Deputy Chief of Staff for Policy

Nickname: (Probably) sad, weird, little xenophobic grossboy. Also “architect” of Trump’s Muslim travel ban in 2017.

Current Gig: Trump senior advisor.

Senate Confirmation?: No.

Notable Quote: “I would be happy if not a single refugee foot ever again touched American soil.” – Miller reportedly said this to former White House communications aide Cliff Sims, according to Sims’ 2019 book.

Not-So-Fun Fun Facts: Had an absolute meltdown when a journalist asked him to cite facts while talking about Venezuela’s crime rate; fought with Jim Acosta about the Statue of Liberty in 2017; his uncle wrote a column about how big of a hypocrite he is for Politico in 2018; as a student at Duke University in 2007, he launched the “Terrorism Awareness Project” to “help” students “learn” about…”Islamofascism”; in 2019, a writer for Breitbart left the site and sent the Southern Poverty Law Center 900 emails from Miller in which he promoted and discussed white nationalist books and ideas.

Kristi Noem: Homeland Security Secretary

Nickname: Dog murderess.

Current Gig: Governor of South Dakota.

Senate Confirmation?: Yes.

Notable Quote: “I’ve given you my answer. No, and that’s not the answer. I would say, you know, that this is something that I asked to have adjusted, to have the content and that name removed, and that is truly what the action has been” – when asked by News Nation anchor Elizabeth Vargas why she didn’t remove the “error” about meeting Kim Jong Un while recording her audiobook. When Vargas asked again, Noem responds: “I’m not going to discuss about my meetings with world leaders.”

Not-So-Fun Fun Facts: Killed her puppy, Cricket, with a shotgun, and willingly wrote about it; once suggested that Texas was part of the original 13 colonies; is banned from South Dakota’s nine reservations after accusing tribal leaders of profiting off of drug cartels; had a “yearslong” affair with Corey Lewandowski; and, yeah, lied about meeting North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un.

Mehmet Oz: Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services administrator

Nickname: Quack.

Current Gig: Seemingly nothing after he lost the Pennsylvania Senate race to Sen. John Fetterman in 2022. 

Senate Confirmation?: No.

Notable Quote: “As a physician, I’ve been in the room when there’s some difficult conversations happening. I don’t want the federal government involved with that at all. I want women, doctors, local political leaders, letting the democracy that’s always allowed our nation to thrive to put the best ideas forward so states can decide for themselves.” – during a debate against Sen. Fetterman in October 2022.

Not-So-Fun Fun Facts: Thinks all abortion is murder; conducted research that killed at least 1,027 live animal subjects, including more than 300 dogs; and used over $25 million of his own money to fund his Senate campaign.

John Ratcliffe: CIA Director

Nickname: I call him, “Another Project 2025 contributor.”

Current Gig: Former Representative from Texas and was Trump’s Director of National Intelligence in 2020.

Senate Confirmation?: Yes.

Notable Quote: Well this exchange with then-Sen. Kamala Harris, in which Ratcliffe can’t seem to answer whether or not he thinks Trump conveyed “the severity of the threat of covid-19,” is very rough to watch. 

Not-So-Fun Fun Facts: Ratcliffe pissed off Congress in 2020 when he declassified Russian intelligence that included damaging information about Democrats, while also saying that the information could be Russian fake news; and while he was elected to Congress in 2014, he got famous in 2019 for ardently defending Trump during his first impeachment trial.

Marco Rubio: Secretary of State

Nickname: “Lightweight choker” – Trump in 2016.

Current Gig: Senator from Florida.

Senate Confirmation?: Yes.

Notable Quote: “He [Trump] is a con artist. He runs on this idea he is fighting for the little guy, but he has spent his entire career sticking it to the little guy—his entire career.” – Rubio at a rally in Dallas, Texas in 2016.

Not-So-Fun Fun Facts: I think the most fun fact about Rubio right now is that Lara Trump told Fox News that she’d “strongly consider” taking Rubio’s Senate seat. Oh, and also, in 2022, he essentially compared abortion to vehicular manslaughter.

Elise Stefanik: UN Ambassador

Nickname: I’ve seen some random people on Twitter calling her “Elies” and I’ve laughed.

Current Gig: Representative from New York.

Senate Confirmation?: Yes.

Notable Quote: “I think that it confirms that Russia meddled in our electoral process. I believe that we’ve seen evidence that Russia tried to hurt the Hillary Clinton campaign. I am concerned about some of the contacts between Russians and surrogates within the Trump Organization and the Trump campaign.” – to the Watertown Daily Times in 2018 about the 2016 election.

Not-So-Fun Fun Facts: Despite what she thought in 2018, she refused to certify the 2020 election results. Also says she doesn’t believe E. Jean Carroll. Oh, and she voted against the bipartisan Violence Against Women Act in 2019 because the updated bill would have banned convicted domestic abusers from buying a gun. And this might be unrelated but her husband, Matt Manda, works for a gun lobbying group.

Mike Waltz: National Security Adviser

Nickname: The Associated Press calls him a “China hawk.”

Former Gig: Representative from Florida.

Senate Confirmation?: No.

Notable Quote: “I would not be in favor of bringing Ukraine into NATO.” – speaking to Jake Tapper on CNN in 2023.

Not-So-Fun Fun Facts: Waltz is the first Green Beret elected to Congress; he’s an election denier; he also tried to boycott the 2022 Olympics in Beijing due to covid (a bad reason to boycott) and the country’s genocide against the Uighur population (not a bad reason to boycott); and joined the right-wing backlash to West Point Academy teaching Critical Race Theory.

Susie Wiles: Chief of Staff

Nickname: “Ice Maiden” and/or “Ice Baby.”

Former Gig: Trump’s campaign manager.

Senate Confirmation?: No.

Notable Quote: She hates the spotlight and doesn’t give a ton of interviews, but she spoke to Politico in April and when the reporter asked what she’d say to people who liken her to “history’s most notorious aiders and abettors of totalitarian leaders,” she responded: “I would turn my back and walk away. I wouldn’t answer it. Because it’s vile. It doesn’t deserve a response. They don’t know the inner workings of Trump world. They don’t know. And so they don’t have a right to judge in that way, in my opinion, and I’m not going to dignify it. I’m not.”

Not-So-Fun Fun Facts: Wiles got both Florida Senator Rick Scott and Florida Governor Ron DeSantis elected. However, she had a huge falling out with DeSantis, which is partly what led her to join Trump’s reelection campaign in 2023. Her dad was Pat Summerall.

Steven Witkoff: Middle East Envoy

Nickname: I don’t know, but the only thing you really need to know about this guy is that he’s a real estate CEO and huge donor who’s been friends with Trump since the ’90s and has zero foreign policy experience.

Current Gig: CEO of Witkoff.

Senate Confirmation?: No.

Notable Quote: “His speech was strong, and it was epic to be in that room. It was a privilege to be there and we were standing every five seconds because that crowd was so for him and so for the messaging.” – talking to Fox Business about Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu’s speech to Congress in July. And then, elsewhere in the interview, he said of the speech: “It felt spiritual.”

Not-So-Fun Fun Facts: Very pro-Israel and a huge fan of Netanyahu; also was golfing with Trump in Florida when a second guy tried to assassinate him in September.

Lee Zeldin: Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency

Nickname: I’m going to call him Loser Lee.

Former Gig: Representative from New York from 2015 to 2023.

Senate Confirmation?: Yes.

Notable Quote: “Well I think we know how this is going to end, I mean what you have is basically, the biggest sore loser temper tantrum we’ve ever seen in the history of our country, that started in November 2016, when they [Democrats] were crying, they were walking out, screaming at the sun, they needed coloring books and comfort puppies.”- Zeldin talking about Trump’s impeachment in 2020.

Not-So-Fun Fun Facts: Zeldin voted for a bill that would have ended the U.S.’s participation in the United Nations Framework Convention on Climate Change; voted to overturn the 2020 election results; did not support New York raising the minimum age for someone to buy a semiautomatic rifle from 18 to 21; voted against the Clean Air Act and said he’d reverse a fracking ban in New York while running for governor; and vowed to make the U.S. a “global leader” in AI.

Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy: Heads of Department of Government Efficiency

I’m putting these clowns at the end because what even is this and why is it going to take two of them? Neither of them needs Senate confirmation for this fake role in this fake department. Their not-so-fun facts are that Musk is a loser and Ramaswamy is a wannabe.

As you can see, it’s a real all-star list of predators, crooks, and sycophants. But maybe all their heads will be too far up Trump’s ass to actually get anything done. Fingers crosesd!